Farewell BASE 1092 ...

I have received some requests for more on "Finding LeRoy" and the things me and Tiffany experienced during everything and here is how the story ends. Tonight, the anger and rage floored me...and then someone told me to listen to "Journey of Magi" by Frank Turner and to pay attention to the lyric "I could have played safe, but in the end the journey's brought joys that out way the pain." Not to sure what happened while listening, and re-listening to this song but I do know that it was then I knew how to end this blog Ive been working on, the blog that has helped me try to make sense of it all...

Since the day LeRoy was missing I have surrounded myself with looking for answers, blaming everyone (But LeRoy) , crying, enraged, hurt, lost, and just about every other emotion possible. I have done what I can to be what he expected of me in case of his death as I hoped he would have had the roles been reversed. All this time I have made sure I stayed busy, sleep was not sought, and if sleep found me, it was brief and uneasy. I kept busy with work, and when work was not available I kept busy trying to write out my thought process and move on to an actual positive process of mourning. Today , after thinking over all the outcomes possible I made some choices. I will not go into them all , I have let those closely involved know the full details but as my farewell I made the following choices and I am standing by them.

1. Not to jump his ashes - I do not have the experience to be in a formation with a tandem on a ash dive. Simple as that, granted there is a much more extensive list of the risk I am not willing to take but at the end of the day I am responsible for my own safety ...and for my own safety I am not taking on a jump that is outside my experience and personal limitations.

2. Not to jump his ashes - Yes part 2 - This is a hobby, and I will not let grief affect a hobby, or a hobby to be done out of guilt and grief. At the end of the day I am responsible for my own personal safety (see a pattern)

3. Not to attend Raeford Ash Dive - I have to take care of myself , so I am productive as a parent, employee, and member of society. Due to everything I have reached my capacity and must focus on things that I can fix or work on. On the first blog, I mentioned how me and Tiffany pulled over and I released his closing pin and said my goodbye. I can not fix this, and I already released him to his favorite place. This ash dive is at a time that I am not in the position to attend, for my health, for my finances, and for my healing. I may always bear the guilt of not releasing the ashes but I am doing what I know needs to be done. Ive taken my first step to productive healing.

After all the thoughts that have gone on, all the guilt of not finding him alive, or making his family and girlfriend better I finally decided to stop punishing myself for him going first. Yes it sucks that he is gone, forever I will think of him often , as I do with Shannon but at the end of the day LeRoy is the only person who was responsible for his actions. He made a choice to solo BASE jump out of his limits. He knew the risks involved and as his best friend I have always been aware of them as well. I wont go over the bullshit "He died doing what he loved"... because yes he loved it, but in reality he died doing something he decided to do in spite of the risks and he died doing something everyone warned him against (the actual jump he died on, he received many warnings to not jump that site for his first wingsuit BASE). Yes those are motivated by the love he had for the sport, but it is a selfish act. Anyone in extreme sports at the end of the day does it because of the love, regardless what the outcome will be and therefore it was a selfish act. I see people in the sports saying they take calculated risks, that they are conservative, they are safe jumpers ...etc but at the end of the day we kid ourselves if we actually believe it or are unable to believe one day it may be us going in.

Hurling yourself at the ground at terminal velocity is dangerous, even doing everything right you can still die , and many have. Yet the freedom the sky allows makes this selfish choice easier on the jumper because if we go in, we aren't left picking up the pieces of the Wuffos in our lives, hearts that were broken. Assuming the risks for yourself is easy, assuming the risk for all those you jump with, shake hands with before exit, party with on the weekends, share skeletons in the closet with, love , laugh, cry with and respect is a totally different ball game.

LeRoy is gone, it is no ones fault but his own and there is nothing we can do to change the events, and each of us chooses to move on in different ways. I accept I cant get a do over, I accept that there were no goodbyes before its to late, and I accept that there is nothing I can do, say, or give to make anyones own healing better. Ive tried to make it easier for others at the risk of my own sanity , I hope I helped in some way, and if I have not I am sorry that in the end I am not the friend he expected of me but in this sport I accept the risks for myself, and jumping his ashes and the potential problems that can ensue are not something I am willing to accept for myself, nor my children and the other Wuffos who may still care for me after this blog entry.

Oh I will jump , but for myself, and on my terms. I also know that when I do, it will be one in which I get to feel freedom, and pure love for the sport and those in it, and until then I will stay grounded.

My heart now I hope will move towards healing, alot of things happened in Utah that made this process harder to start, many things since Utah have slowed things down a bit because it was such a horrible experience for those of us who love him but in time I will see a picture of him and it will be as he lived , and not how he looked after he died. I will smile and laugh at our history, I will be grateful for the time we had and not bitter about the time we did not get. In time I will decide its worth investing in people on a personal level again, even though the one thing that is guaranteed is death (sadly in this sport it often is sooner then one is ready)... In time I will love as free as I have always done. For today though, its one breath at a time. Letting go. Moving forward. Forgiving.

So there you have it, no it may not be the search, the aftermath, the whatever people may have thought it would turn into when complete, but it is just that...The complete story of Finding BASE 1092 as I see and feel it ... In time I will delete these, or move them to a blog that shares similar stuff, such as the sports, those I met in them, and those I lost to them but until such a time I get around to it will remain here. I do not regret my choice to not even attend the memorial. It is not where I am supposed to be, everything happens for a reason. LeRoy did have two poems he wished me to share when he died and they will be read by his girlfriend Tiff and his friend Michael, but I will share them here, they both represent what he wished to place on others hearts in the wake of his death, and I hope that someone can find comfort in these.

"High Flight"
John Gillespie Magee, Jr.

Oh! I have slipped the surly bonds of earth
And danced the skies on laughter-silvered wings;
Sunward I've climbed, and joined the tumbling mirth
Of sun-split clouds - and done a hundred things
You have not dreamed of - wheeled and soared and swung
High in the sunlit silence. Hov'ring there,
I've chased the shouting wind along, and flung
My eager craft through footless halls of air.
Up, up the long, delirious, burning blue
I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace
Where never lark, or even eagle flew -
And, while with silent lifting mind I've trod
The high untrespassed sanctity of space,
Put out my hand and touched the face of God.


AND

Remember those who fall before you
And those to yet fall past
Let them be a reminder too true
That this life happens fast

Watch over us from blue skies
And guard us from black death
Watch o'er us with angel's eyes
And let your soul find rest.

R.I.P LeRoy