Saturday, January 27, 2024
2 bad years and Hamilton
September 2019 I contracted Necrotizing Fasciitis (Flesh Eating Disease). Life as I knew it was different. My Doctor worked hard to save my life and more importantly, my arm. That first year and a half were the worst of my life. Pain and fear gripped me, and even 3 years later I still deal with this. Much of my life is spent at Doctors amd studying MRSA as I still get more minor infections.
2020 the world came to a stop. Covid 19 quickly became a pandemic and social distancing became the norm. My adult daughter moved in and the year became the new "worst of my life". Dealing with an addict with no break took what remaining confidence and happiness as I watched her destroy my house, herself, and me. It took me a very long time to believe her when she showed me how cruel and toxic she was. When I finally got her out of my house she left behind almost $2k in damages and I had to make the choice to never give her the ability to do this to me again. None of my friends or family believe me yet but in life, everyone has a breakinh point and while I won't get into what mine was, it was probably one of the most cruel things a person can do.
2021 I started working from home and spent quite a bit of time working on my mental health. One day I put the Hamilton soundtrack in the background. I started doing it every shift, back to back. Art is an escape. It also did not hurt that I crushed pretty hard on the films Eliza and Lafyette. Next thing I know I had watched or listened to the soundtrack over 150 times when I found out they were playing in Jacksonville Fl. Just a hour away. In early September we (mine, Angels, and Jimmy) got tickets for our Birthdays plus Kyle. Our tickets were for October 15th. It felt like forever away. I continued to watch or listen to Hamilton daily. To me, Hamilton is my times greatest piece of art produced. It is my single most favorite piece of art of all time.
Watching or listening to it often will bring me to tears. Act 2 physically and emotionally damages me every single time until the last song.
We were seeing the "Phillip" cast and while not bad seats, they were not great either but I didn't care. HAMILTON! We got in the Theater about 45 minutes early. By the time we got to our seats I could not stop bouncing. Seeing the set brought me such excitment I was worried I would be to overwhelmed to enjoy it fully.
The lights dimmed and King George (Neil Haskell) did his announcement and that was the 2nd flutter of the evening. The opening songs to musicals always set the tone. "Alexander Hamilton" is the opening song and the first one I had memorized. This cast nailed it. I remember thinking how astonished I was. As I am writing this I realize if I go song by song, ill never finish so I will go by cast.
My favorite in this production was George Washington who was played by Marcus Choi. I am almost positive I have never felt so moved in my life as when he was singing. We were in 2nd Orchestra and when he finished "Right Hand Man" I gave a standing ovation all by myself and bruised my hands. This was also the first time I cried during the live performance, but not the last. When Choi did "History Has Its Eyes On You" the emotion was so deep I realized I was holding my breath. At the end when Choi sang "she tells my story" was the most beautiful line I have ever heard.
My two favorite characters played on the 2016 version is Peggy / Maria. The quirky Peggy and the absolute stunning sexually tense "Say No To This" as Maria just makes for good television. I honestly did not think anyone could do this character justice. Paige Smallwood was perfectly cast. Jasmine Cephas Jones has such a high range that in the 2016 that there is a note that the audio doesn't do justice and I was so excited to hear it in person. Even if it was not Jasmine. Paige was hilarous as Peggy and her Maria was perfect.
Friday, April 17, 2015
BASE 1092 ... Closure...WARNING may be graphic
Identifying a persons body is never something I had wanted to do in my life. Identifying my best friends body is something that still haunts me to this day. Especially since I came across the backpack that me and Tiffany used while searching for him all those years ago. I see the backpack often, seeing it was not what has me on a "LeRoy Day", it was what I found in one of the pockets...it also has me feeling for the first time ever, the need to talk about that moment in my life. If you are family of LeRoy, I advise you not to read this as it could be upsetting.
When I went with the coroner to see LeRoy for the last time he was still in his gear as they had just finished examining it on him to help determine if he pulled his parachute or not. I have not talked with anyone about the actual viewing of him except for my hero Les and I only touched on it with his other best friend Michael. LeRoy had been on that mountain decomposing for awhile before they were able to locate him. Since they found him from a helicopter and it was approaching night they made the choice to take pictures and then bag him for the evening and made plans to retrieve his body the next morning. Later that night I was shown the pictures and that was what sparked a long time sadness that even still will hit me out of no where.
Once they got him out I remember sitting with his Mom and Girlfriend talking about arrangements and the coroner on the phone with the Military. They were demanding an actual identification since they had him listed as AWOL. The walk down that hallway was the longest of my life. First stop was a room to clean up, and put something on the upper lip that was to help with the smell. I am pretty sure it didn't work though. Delta is a small town, his body was being stored in what I would call a garage with two body freezers. The Coroner looked at me with a hand on the freezer and told me "Its pretty bad, are you sure you will be okay?". I had already detached, or at least thought I had so I stated that I was ready and that he would do it for me if I were the one in the freezer. The first thing that hit me when the door was pulled open was the smell. Anyone who has ever smelled a decomposing human knows the smell and its almost not able to be described. It is this weird, sweet yet rancid smell that is unique due to our bodies and the way we decompose. It is awful, and seared into my memory.
We will go back to that in a minute, once he was pulled out and unzipped it saddened me that he had not been in the freezer long enough as some of the liquid seeped out and although not warm, his body was not as cold as television makes you think a dead body is. Looking at him it was not obvious that this was my best friend. I was not prepared for that, even though I knew he died jumping off a cliff. I knew he hit so hard that his helmet was knocked off his head and yet I still thought my kind friends face would be peering at me ... and although lifeless, he would give me comfort in this moment. Instead an alien was there. Darkened due to the elements and not solid, I felt an immense confusion. Touching him to look for his tattoo was the most out of body experience I have ever had. I made the identification and as the Coroner started zipping him back up I stopped him and asked for scissors to cut the closing pins off his gear. I wrapped them in a plastic bag and held on to them as if my life depended on it.
When we got back to the hotel I showered and changed and yet I still smelled LeRoys body. I threw away my shoes and clothing I had worn and yet I still smelled him. It was haunting and terrifying. I smelled him in my car, I smelled him everywhere. Even after bleaching the closing pins I still smelled him everywhere. For the first six months after it was what dominated my sense of smell. I lost weight, and I walked around in a haze. Now even still I will smell it occasionally and Ill wonder if there is a dead body near me. Today as I was going through the pockets of the backpack I opened that one, the one I hadn't opened since I took the closing pins out and I smelled it. Strong, sweet and rancid ...and then time stood still again and I for the first time since his death flashed back on the good times. I think the anger is leaving my heart. I think I can finally forgive him for dying, for the letter he left me and for the hurt he caused. I miss him and I love him and I forgive him.
When I went with the coroner to see LeRoy for the last time he was still in his gear as they had just finished examining it on him to help determine if he pulled his parachute or not. I have not talked with anyone about the actual viewing of him except for my hero Les and I only touched on it with his other best friend Michael. LeRoy had been on that mountain decomposing for awhile before they were able to locate him. Since they found him from a helicopter and it was approaching night they made the choice to take pictures and then bag him for the evening and made plans to retrieve his body the next morning. Later that night I was shown the pictures and that was what sparked a long time sadness that even still will hit me out of no where.
Once they got him out I remember sitting with his Mom and Girlfriend talking about arrangements and the coroner on the phone with the Military. They were demanding an actual identification since they had him listed as AWOL. The walk down that hallway was the longest of my life. First stop was a room to clean up, and put something on the upper lip that was to help with the smell. I am pretty sure it didn't work though. Delta is a small town, his body was being stored in what I would call a garage with two body freezers. The Coroner looked at me with a hand on the freezer and told me "Its pretty bad, are you sure you will be okay?". I had already detached, or at least thought I had so I stated that I was ready and that he would do it for me if I were the one in the freezer. The first thing that hit me when the door was pulled open was the smell. Anyone who has ever smelled a decomposing human knows the smell and its almost not able to be described. It is this weird, sweet yet rancid smell that is unique due to our bodies and the way we decompose. It is awful, and seared into my memory.
We will go back to that in a minute, once he was pulled out and unzipped it saddened me that he had not been in the freezer long enough as some of the liquid seeped out and although not warm, his body was not as cold as television makes you think a dead body is. Looking at him it was not obvious that this was my best friend. I was not prepared for that, even though I knew he died jumping off a cliff. I knew he hit so hard that his helmet was knocked off his head and yet I still thought my kind friends face would be peering at me ... and although lifeless, he would give me comfort in this moment. Instead an alien was there. Darkened due to the elements and not solid, I felt an immense confusion. Touching him to look for his tattoo was the most out of body experience I have ever had. I made the identification and as the Coroner started zipping him back up I stopped him and asked for scissors to cut the closing pins off his gear. I wrapped them in a plastic bag and held on to them as if my life depended on it.
When we got back to the hotel I showered and changed and yet I still smelled LeRoys body. I threw away my shoes and clothing I had worn and yet I still smelled him. It was haunting and terrifying. I smelled him in my car, I smelled him everywhere. Even after bleaching the closing pins I still smelled him everywhere. For the first six months after it was what dominated my sense of smell. I lost weight, and I walked around in a haze. Now even still I will smell it occasionally and Ill wonder if there is a dead body near me. Today as I was going through the pockets of the backpack I opened that one, the one I hadn't opened since I took the closing pins out and I smelled it. Strong, sweet and rancid ...and then time stood still again and I for the first time since his death flashed back on the good times. I think the anger is leaving my heart. I think I can finally forgive him for dying, for the letter he left me and for the hurt he caused. I miss him and I love him and I forgive him.
Friday, November 14, 2014
What happens in Vegas...ends up in my blog Part One
So finally recovered enough to do a trip report. Nov 8th through 11th we had a long time planned trip to Vegas with me, my Mom and my two sisters. My older sister had to sadly back out. The week before the trip I was so ill and was pretty sure it wasn't ebola but was still rather worried Id not have as much fun but there was no way I was going to miss this. Here's as much as I remember...ish
Day One - Me and Mom were set to leave and she wanted me to call her at 330 when I was on my way, since I don't normally sleep the night before a trip I was already half way to her house to pick her up when I called. Mom wanted to park directly on the airport, for days I had tried to convince her off site Eco parking was better. She wasn't convinced until we actually arrived and it "appeared safe". Moms hate shady locations. Anyways we park and hop on the bus. Mind you Im in unicorn slippers and junk clothes but hey, traveling means comfort first. Seated in the front row was a man later to be identified as Adam. He was traveling for work but was going a few days early to experience Vegas. We exchanged numbers for if/when he wanted to join us since he was solo. After getting much needed coffee we board the plane.
Now remember, we are going to Vegas, which means it doesn't matter what time it is, one SHOULD start drinking on the plane. That was the plan at least, however Spirit Airlines had "forgotten" to stock everything but gin and brandy. Therefore the flight consisted of me and Mom either talking or playing games on her iPad. Not the exciting, "im drunk at 5 am start" but nice none he less. We arrive on time, just after my sister Jamie and head to meet each other. We aren't a touchy feely family but it sure was nice to see her again. IT had been over two years and really that's a long time. We head to the hotel and our very first adventure.
Upon arriving to the Golden Nugget we try to check in. The hotel sees both canceled reservations and yea not cool cause the price increased drastically. We called Vegas.com (third party we booked through) and they are all "it's fixed now". So we go back and try to check in again and the GN tells us that they rejected the booking since it was just placed and those rates weren't available. Around this time is when we saw the Bloody Mary bar, some guy named Randy bought our drinks for us so that saved about 40 bucks. My Bloody Mary had a shrimp cocktail in it and bacon (bacon bitches...worlds finest food, and I suck at being a vegetarian). mom had the waitress give her a asparagus stalk and we used it as a Christmas tree and me and Jamie got our gifts. All the shows and hotel we had planned to split was now her treat. Yea that rocks. Anyways I have Mom hand me the phone, many people are under the illusion im simple and happy and fun, what most don't realize is I am a kick ass "this is what I want to happen and you better aid me in that" sales person. So while I'm on hold for a supervisor Mom goes and gets me another Bloody Mary. Im drunk already but I got us in our room and vegas.com had to eat the 200 buck loss. The rooms just as I remember it...floor 20 room 69 (ha hahahaa). We drop our stuff off and head down to see Fremont.
We headed down towards the Burlesque Muesum and Beets coffee. I had never been exposed to burlesque and actually did not enjoy the Muesum but pretended to. This trip was about us all melding our likes together. While there some guy whose name I forgot bought me what has become the worlds best Chai Latte. Like so good I wanted to swim in it and drink my way out.
Then we headed towards the hotel but stopped at a place to get a snack and yes, another Bloody Mary before getting ready for that nights burlesque festival. Adam and I touch base and he's decided to join us after we finish eating steak and lobster (like I said, I suck at being a vegatarian) we head over to meet up with Adam as he's buying his tickets. All that's left is VIP section...darn. We find our seats and since Adam had researched burlesque we sat there and he taught me the origins and we just got to know each other...over wine of course. The show was jaw dropping amazing, I sat with Adam in VIP and my sister and Mom sat a little behind. We at first did not really know the whole "ethics" of audience reaction but we learned it fast and hours later we had made friends with a giant (6'5") bdsm master and his friend a dominatrix and the soon to be married couple near us. We were hooting and hollering at the same time and it was just a awesome experience. Burlesque dancers have this amazing confidence and style one doesn't see day in and day out. Women of all sizes just owning the stage, crowd going wild regardless if they are taking off a glove or a highly decorated bra, I finally got it, I had always been proud my sister did it (Maggie Motorboat) I saw the confidence change she had, pride in herself she had never had was now oozing out of her. Also it gave her a second family, like my skydiver friends, her burlesque friends are family, but I never thought I'd go nuts for it. Once life settles down Im so taking classes. We left for the hotel and the whole time just texting with Adam how awesome it was and coming up with burlesque names. That's day one, I've got to go for the day so I'll finish later, we all agreed it felt like we had been in Vegas for days, but it was still just hours...
Day One - Me and Mom were set to leave and she wanted me to call her at 330 when I was on my way, since I don't normally sleep the night before a trip I was already half way to her house to pick her up when I called. Mom wanted to park directly on the airport, for days I had tried to convince her off site Eco parking was better. She wasn't convinced until we actually arrived and it "appeared safe". Moms hate shady locations. Anyways we park and hop on the bus. Mind you Im in unicorn slippers and junk clothes but hey, traveling means comfort first. Seated in the front row was a man later to be identified as Adam. He was traveling for work but was going a few days early to experience Vegas. We exchanged numbers for if/when he wanted to join us since he was solo. After getting much needed coffee we board the plane.
Now remember, we are going to Vegas, which means it doesn't matter what time it is, one SHOULD start drinking on the plane. That was the plan at least, however Spirit Airlines had "forgotten" to stock everything but gin and brandy. Therefore the flight consisted of me and Mom either talking or playing games on her iPad. Not the exciting, "im drunk at 5 am start" but nice none he less. We arrive on time, just after my sister Jamie and head to meet each other. We aren't a touchy feely family but it sure was nice to see her again. IT had been over two years and really that's a long time. We head to the hotel and our very first adventure.
Upon arriving to the Golden Nugget we try to check in. The hotel sees both canceled reservations and yea not cool cause the price increased drastically. We called Vegas.com (third party we booked through) and they are all "it's fixed now". So we go back and try to check in again and the GN tells us that they rejected the booking since it was just placed and those rates weren't available. Around this time is when we saw the Bloody Mary bar, some guy named Randy bought our drinks for us so that saved about 40 bucks. My Bloody Mary had a shrimp cocktail in it and bacon (bacon bitches...worlds finest food, and I suck at being a vegetarian). mom had the waitress give her a asparagus stalk and we used it as a Christmas tree and me and Jamie got our gifts. All the shows and hotel we had planned to split was now her treat. Yea that rocks. Anyways I have Mom hand me the phone, many people are under the illusion im simple and happy and fun, what most don't realize is I am a kick ass "this is what I want to happen and you better aid me in that" sales person. So while I'm on hold for a supervisor Mom goes and gets me another Bloody Mary. Im drunk already but I got us in our room and vegas.com had to eat the 200 buck loss. The rooms just as I remember it...floor 20 room 69 (ha hahahaa). We drop our stuff off and head down to see Fremont.
We headed down towards the Burlesque Muesum and Beets coffee. I had never been exposed to burlesque and actually did not enjoy the Muesum but pretended to. This trip was about us all melding our likes together. While there some guy whose name I forgot bought me what has become the worlds best Chai Latte. Like so good I wanted to swim in it and drink my way out.
Then we headed towards the hotel but stopped at a place to get a snack and yes, another Bloody Mary before getting ready for that nights burlesque festival. Adam and I touch base and he's decided to join us after we finish eating steak and lobster (like I said, I suck at being a vegatarian) we head over to meet up with Adam as he's buying his tickets. All that's left is VIP section...darn. We find our seats and since Adam had researched burlesque we sat there and he taught me the origins and we just got to know each other...over wine of course. The show was jaw dropping amazing, I sat with Adam in VIP and my sister and Mom sat a little behind. We at first did not really know the whole "ethics" of audience reaction but we learned it fast and hours later we had made friends with a giant (6'5") bdsm master and his friend a dominatrix and the soon to be married couple near us. We were hooting and hollering at the same time and it was just a awesome experience. Burlesque dancers have this amazing confidence and style one doesn't see day in and day out. Women of all sizes just owning the stage, crowd going wild regardless if they are taking off a glove or a highly decorated bra, I finally got it, I had always been proud my sister did it (Maggie Motorboat) I saw the confidence change she had, pride in herself she had never had was now oozing out of her. Also it gave her a second family, like my skydiver friends, her burlesque friends are family, but I never thought I'd go nuts for it. Once life settles down Im so taking classes. We left for the hotel and the whole time just texting with Adam how awesome it was and coming up with burlesque names. That's day one, I've got to go for the day so I'll finish later, we all agreed it felt like we had been in Vegas for days, but it was still just hours...
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Day Trip - Waco
A few weeks ago I was introduced to a local television show called "Day Tripper" on KLRU in Austin, TX. After watching every episode I realized that my own back yard has everything I need to visit for at least the next year, if not longer. I asked my best friend if she cared to join me and the boys on our adventures and she was of course was all for it. We had a loose plan on what we wanted to do but we were defiantly in the mindset that we would go with the flow. Below is my trip report and one day when my kids say "Mommmm we never do anything" I can just email them the url and remind them that yes I am a awesome Momma.
Stop One - Dr. Pepper Museum - I have wanted to visit this place since I moved to Texas. It was rather exciting to pull up knowing that once we were done looking at the exhibits we were going to get to stop at the soda fountain for an original recipe Dr. Pepper Float. My entire life I have been basically a kid. I think I stopped growing up at about 5. I see most things in life as a child would. Life and everything in it is wonder, I love seeing how things work, and I love bribing myself with a sweet treat if I sit through all the educationy stuff (yes that is now a real word, use it, use it often EDUCATIONY). On the first floor we were introduced to the back story of how this popular drink came to be. Interestingly it was discovered by a pharmacist. Also on the first floor we were given a sneak peek into how the drink was processed and bottled. The second floor housed two areas, one side being dedicated to vending machines of times past, and the other side to Big Red. What stuck out to me most was the slogan "Its not strawberry, its not cherry, it just tastes RED". Not true. It tastes nasty but that is besides the point. The creepy part was the whole "Sniffing Station" but yes I went through the line twice. Mostly because I was in awe at the weirdness of a "Sniffing Line". The third floor housed a tribute to Mr. Foot and was rather boring and the only thing I took from that was the fact that instead of passing out business cards he passed out stones with the golden rule engraved on them. Last but not least we went to the soda fountain and had what was and may always be the very best float imaginable.
Stop Two - The Health Club - Do not let the name deceive you, there is nothing healthy about this place. After surviving a roundabout we stopped for lunch at this landmark restaurant. I am on a diet, and so I decided to have a Bacon Cheeseburger, without the cheeseburger. I moaned with every bite, and while chewing looked at Erin and did bedroom eyes to describe the heaven that was taking place in my mouth at the time. To make matters worse I followed the BLT with a Gingerbread Milkshake, it was made with love and calories, but since the first ingredient is love I figure that it was an okay addition to my meal.
Stop Three - Cameron Park Zoo - This was one of the maybes of the trip and we decided to make it a must when we realized we had already eaten 2 days worth of food in just a matter of hours. The weather was a bit chilly so our first stop was the gift shop so Erin could buy a over priced sweatshirt. Being off season the park was mostly empty. I appreciated how some of the exhibits were but felt that the animals did not have enough in the way of enrichment. My family however does know how to have fun. Most of the animals we referred to as their potential food product if we were to be the owners of said animal. Highlights included Cody flirting with a little girl and her flirting back. The freak out we all had when we saw how Rhinos pee, and the mating dance of the Giraffes. I would not go to this zoo in the summer though, nor do I think its big enough to warrant another visit but it was a nice pit stop and we all enjoyed our time there.
Stop Four - The Branch Davidian Compound - Out in the middle of nowhere and very hard to find but worth it. When you first pull in you see the names of all those that died during the siege. Including all the babies names and ages. It was a somber moment, that is until the random beagle ran up and started entertaining us. Unsure what we could and could not do we were apprehensive about driving to the epicenter of where the attack took place but of course being apprehensive does not mean backing away. The only part that still remains from the fire is the buried school bus and the walls of the underground bunker that was used to store guns, ammo and food. I took this time to explain to my kids what happened, how it got to the point it did and my dismay at Janet Reno and the actions she set into motion.
I think we have set in motion the start of many potential future day trips. We all had so much fun. Next trip is to Llano where we will be looking for fossils and visiting "Baby Head Cemetery" (mind you we will NOT be looking for Fossils AT the cemetery)
Stop One - Dr. Pepper Museum - I have wanted to visit this place since I moved to Texas. It was rather exciting to pull up knowing that once we were done looking at the exhibits we were going to get to stop at the soda fountain for an original recipe Dr. Pepper Float. My entire life I have been basically a kid. I think I stopped growing up at about 5. I see most things in life as a child would. Life and everything in it is wonder, I love seeing how things work, and I love bribing myself with a sweet treat if I sit through all the educationy stuff (yes that is now a real word, use it, use it often EDUCATIONY). On the first floor we were introduced to the back story of how this popular drink came to be. Interestingly it was discovered by a pharmacist. Also on the first floor we were given a sneak peek into how the drink was processed and bottled. The second floor housed two areas, one side being dedicated to vending machines of times past, and the other side to Big Red. What stuck out to me most was the slogan "Its not strawberry, its not cherry, it just tastes RED". Not true. It tastes nasty but that is besides the point. The creepy part was the whole "Sniffing Station" but yes I went through the line twice. Mostly because I was in awe at the weirdness of a "Sniffing Line". The third floor housed a tribute to Mr. Foot and was rather boring and the only thing I took from that was the fact that instead of passing out business cards he passed out stones with the golden rule engraved on them. Last but not least we went to the soda fountain and had what was and may always be the very best float imaginable.
Stop Two - The Health Club - Do not let the name deceive you, there is nothing healthy about this place. After surviving a roundabout we stopped for lunch at this landmark restaurant. I am on a diet, and so I decided to have a Bacon Cheeseburger, without the cheeseburger. I moaned with every bite, and while chewing looked at Erin and did bedroom eyes to describe the heaven that was taking place in my mouth at the time. To make matters worse I followed the BLT with a Gingerbread Milkshake, it was made with love and calories, but since the first ingredient is love I figure that it was an okay addition to my meal.
Stop Three - Cameron Park Zoo - This was one of the maybes of the trip and we decided to make it a must when we realized we had already eaten 2 days worth of food in just a matter of hours. The weather was a bit chilly so our first stop was the gift shop so Erin could buy a over priced sweatshirt. Being off season the park was mostly empty. I appreciated how some of the exhibits were but felt that the animals did not have enough in the way of enrichment. My family however does know how to have fun. Most of the animals we referred to as their potential food product if we were to be the owners of said animal. Highlights included Cody flirting with a little girl and her flirting back. The freak out we all had when we saw how Rhinos pee, and the mating dance of the Giraffes. I would not go to this zoo in the summer though, nor do I think its big enough to warrant another visit but it was a nice pit stop and we all enjoyed our time there.
Stop Four - The Branch Davidian Compound - Out in the middle of nowhere and very hard to find but worth it. When you first pull in you see the names of all those that died during the siege. Including all the babies names and ages. It was a somber moment, that is until the random beagle ran up and started entertaining us. Unsure what we could and could not do we were apprehensive about driving to the epicenter of where the attack took place but of course being apprehensive does not mean backing away. The only part that still remains from the fire is the buried school bus and the walls of the underground bunker that was used to store guns, ammo and food. I took this time to explain to my kids what happened, how it got to the point it did and my dismay at Janet Reno and the actions she set into motion.
I think we have set in motion the start of many potential future day trips. We all had so much fun. Next trip is to Llano where we will be looking for fossils and visiting "Baby Head Cemetery" (mind you we will NOT be looking for Fossils AT the cemetery)
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Learning to fail...and paying money to do so...Improv Class
That is my life now, and for the next 6 weeks. Tonight was my first improv class, and I knew it was going to happen, and I knew I was going to have to learn to deal with it and yet, I did not and that leaves me a bit uncomfortable.
We started out with many name games, to help each other to learn the names of everyone. We also adopted a class motto of "Fuck you Andy". Although he did let us play Bunny Bunny...Next week Ill ask for "Where have my fingers been" that's another favorite improv game of mine.
I loved the games, except for the fact they are set up to help us accept we suck sometimes, I hated all my failures but enjoyed watching others be able to be vulnerable and embrace that aspect of improv. I am one of those who rewrites my to do lists to reflect what I actually did, never leave something uncrossed...never accept failure. Until tonight, where I was faced with it multiple times. Its weird to be a failure at failing, which is what I left class thinking tonight. Ive lived my entire life making sure I succeed, and its hard to grasp the concept that sometimes its okay to not be perfect.
Things I learned
1. Be careful the true stories you pick to use in the games.
2. Always make eye contact when doing a toast.
3. That at my age I can still feel shy and awkward in public.
4. That its hard to appear foolish, even when the goal is fooling around and uhhh acting foolish.
Really impressed with my instructors. Andy did not pick on me even though I made him speak only in rhyme during last weeks LNI. Ruby was his assistant and I thought they worked well together to meet the needs of our class as a whole. Which is important. The class as a whole is very funny and although we all come from a variety of places, work, life, etc, we all seemed to mesh really well. I wish it were time to go to another class.
We started out with many name games, to help each other to learn the names of everyone. We also adopted a class motto of "Fuck you Andy". Although he did let us play Bunny Bunny...Next week Ill ask for "Where have my fingers been" that's another favorite improv game of mine.
I loved the games, except for the fact they are set up to help us accept we suck sometimes, I hated all my failures but enjoyed watching others be able to be vulnerable and embrace that aspect of improv. I am one of those who rewrites my to do lists to reflect what I actually did, never leave something uncrossed...never accept failure. Until tonight, where I was faced with it multiple times. Its weird to be a failure at failing, which is what I left class thinking tonight. Ive lived my entire life making sure I succeed, and its hard to grasp the concept that sometimes its okay to not be perfect.
Things I learned
1. Be careful the true stories you pick to use in the games.
2. Always make eye contact when doing a toast.
3. That at my age I can still feel shy and awkward in public.
4. That its hard to appear foolish, even when the goal is fooling around and uhhh acting foolish.
Really impressed with my instructors. Andy did not pick on me even though I made him speak only in rhyme during last weeks LNI. Ruby was his assistant and I thought they worked well together to meet the needs of our class as a whole. Which is important. The class as a whole is very funny and although we all come from a variety of places, work, life, etc, we all seemed to mesh really well. I wish it were time to go to another class.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
5 years later...lessons learned...a life worth living
Over the past five years the death of my friend Shannon has become easier to digest, yes I still had moments, but I was and am grateful I had her in my life because there were so many changes that resulted in knowing her. The past month has been one of the most demanding times for me, although I hide it because well I have gotten good at "pretending", and I have gotten good at fixing everything without ever being a burden to anyone by "needing" to talk it out. Its no ones business if I cry out in the night, or if I am facing a fork in the road and to defeated to pick with side to follow. After all, the two that I would have confided wholeheartedly in are gone forever, and they both are because of the same exact reason, B.A.S.E.
Over the years I have learned some great lessons from her life and her death. One of them being how I handle my friendships. I often wonder if Shannon knew just how much she impacted the skydiving community, and those of us she called friend. If I knew our last conversation was indeed our last, it would have gone differently. I know we meant so much to her, but I always wonder if she knew how much she meant to us. Since then I fully disclosed my feelings. People knew what I felt, why I appreciated them and why I am grateful they are in my life. Even if "life" got in the way and we did not talk daily...they were reminded periodically. Slowly that list of people dwindled to just a few due to the deaths of others in the Skydiving and BASE community and over time I realized theres almost no one left, no one left that knew the me before. No one really left to confide in, or should I say no one that makes me feel safe enough to confide in.
Our last conversation is one I do not often ever talk about and even thinking about it hurts. It was after I saw her in Dublin and just a few days before her trip that ultimately was her last. She was lecturing me on all the reasons I do not want to become a BASE jumper, trying to talk me out of considering it. She knew that LeRoy was going to be taking me and she was doing everything in her power to convince me that I would be a idiot to take it up at that point in my life. 5 years ago I was very sick, and it was a stupid thing to want, but I was stubborn. So she made me a deal, if I waited until I got a proper mentor and I was wanting BASE for the right reasons, when it came time for my A she would bring me to her favorite one. She was running late and needed to get packed for her birthday trip and so the last thing I heard her say was that she sent me 3 bottles of wine. The wine arrived after the news broke and enclosed was a short simple note on when I was to drink that wine...they all involved her in some way, either on the phone at 2 certain days that were important in regards to healing and the last was to be shared in person at a 3rd important date that seemed so far away at the time. The wine is gone now but not the memories. To think, the only gift I ever sent her was because she did not think I would...wonder what ever happened to that "Dolphin"
So thats my lesson, tell people how you feel before its to late. Nothing sucks more then wishing you had one more conversation.
Over the years I have learned some great lessons from her life and her death. One of them being how I handle my friendships. I often wonder if Shannon knew just how much she impacted the skydiving community, and those of us she called friend. If I knew our last conversation was indeed our last, it would have gone differently. I know we meant so much to her, but I always wonder if she knew how much she meant to us. Since then I fully disclosed my feelings. People knew what I felt, why I appreciated them and why I am grateful they are in my life. Even if "life" got in the way and we did not talk daily...they were reminded periodically. Slowly that list of people dwindled to just a few due to the deaths of others in the Skydiving and BASE community and over time I realized theres almost no one left, no one left that knew the me before. No one really left to confide in, or should I say no one that makes me feel safe enough to confide in.
Our last conversation is one I do not often ever talk about and even thinking about it hurts. It was after I saw her in Dublin and just a few days before her trip that ultimately was her last. She was lecturing me on all the reasons I do not want to become a BASE jumper, trying to talk me out of considering it. She knew that LeRoy was going to be taking me and she was doing everything in her power to convince me that I would be a idiot to take it up at that point in my life. 5 years ago I was very sick, and it was a stupid thing to want, but I was stubborn. So she made me a deal, if I waited until I got a proper mentor and I was wanting BASE for the right reasons, when it came time for my A she would bring me to her favorite one. She was running late and needed to get packed for her birthday trip and so the last thing I heard her say was that she sent me 3 bottles of wine. The wine arrived after the news broke and enclosed was a short simple note on when I was to drink that wine...they all involved her in some way, either on the phone at 2 certain days that were important in regards to healing and the last was to be shared in person at a 3rd important date that seemed so far away at the time. The wine is gone now but not the memories. To think, the only gift I ever sent her was because she did not think I would...wonder what ever happened to that "Dolphin"
So thats my lesson, tell people how you feel before its to late. Nothing sucks more then wishing you had one more conversation.
Monday, February 28, 2011
TCC Weekend, Backing Out, Backing Back In...
So last minute I decided to go to the TCC winter conference, granted I had only heard of it last minute but I am not one to run towards mass groups of new people. At least not anymore. This annual event is basically held for all of us new people. A way to make sure we get good knowledge, and also some kick ass caving in. At first it was just going to be me, but then I found myself making excuses on why not to go. So I asked if Leia wanted to come, I know she was curious to try it and well if I felt out of place I always had her to hang out with and the teenage angst being absent for a few days I figured what the hell. So we head out and get her a helmet and some elbow and knee pads and head on over to Cedar Park. Arriving there I instantly felt comfortable, introduced myself to Mike, Linda and Jim and head over to check out the camping area.
While setting up camp Barbara and Jeff arrive. Later at the headquarters while eating pizza and drinking beer I got to know a bit more about them. Barbara is a newer caver as well, very warm vibe and sweet by nature. We also got to meet Mike Warton,(the man partially responsible for finding approx 500 caves in Williamson County) he described a few caves we could go to while waiting for others to start showing up and we all decide on Avery, which is literally a show cave that the TCC takes the public to once a year. I figure a show cave is a good "first" cave for this weekend and for Leia. Shes been in Mammoth on the tour but that was long ago. She has become a little daredevil the past few years but since I myself suffer from claustrophobia I wanted her to experience something without me getting freaked out in the background. We get to the location, smack dab in the middle of a neighborhood and wait forever for them to get the lock open. The gate over the entrance is easy to access but the lock is more a feel and hope type thing, feel for the opening and hope you get it in (That's what she said). Once inside we are star struck, literally one of the most beautiful sights you can see (well besides the sun setting while under canopy)the cave, although small, is rather decorated with a variety of beautiful formations. I did go off the platforms to the left and down a little passage, at the end I felt air coming out but they are not going to try to break through. I guess since this is one of the caves the public sees, they are not trying to open it up more, but I swear this one could be dug a bit, maybe its wishful thinking. Leia loved it and was excited for more.
Once we got back to base Christopher and Leslie had arrived and were talking of Merigold and invited us. They mentioned pits and I had already decided I wanted to wait until a rope night before I decided to go vertical again so we almost didnt go. However I had already sorta met Leslie, Terry had facebook'd us as they go caving every week and well that is what I have been wanting to do. So we decided to go so we could get to know them better. Barbara and Jeff decided not to go so it was me, Leia and Jim as the newbs and then Christopher , Leslie and Chad as the more experienced cavers. This is a rather small cave compared to Reed but still plenty of room to move around and rather decorated. The pancake room is not very much a pancake so I had no freak out sessions. Leia was eating it up and it was the highlight of this cave. Watching her not only thrive in the cave but make good choices in where she was willing to go. Soon after entering Christopher would just send her in these small passages to show her things, and she just went right up or down and at first it seemed like she may be a digger. However later we learned she was more of a explorer, how far she could go and how small of a space she can get into was more enjoyable for her then uncovering new passages. I was proud and excited for her. While waiting at one point we found a bunch of bones, I wanted to know what it was and so we started putting it back together, yea now thats family bonding time (Leia laughed but I have a feeling she was a bit embarrassed that I was doing this) We did the left side first which was good because on the right side is where my nerves got tested. On the left Chad was going to go into the pit, really we just watched although I did help with tying the rope off (yay to Rock Climbing and its training).
Once we headed over to the right side, it became apparent that I am not brave still, so it was good that I was now comfortable and had a level of trust for my fellow cavers due to the birth canal I was about to venture through. I went second to last, and Christopher played a vital part to "talking me through". This sport makes me feel like a bitch, I am so wimpy, thank goodness I wasnt in tears because that would have made me feel even more stupid. I got past it though and we were at another pit area. The diggers couldn't resist digging and so us newbs decided to go back to base. By the time we got back , ate and warmed up we were all exhausted and attempted to sleep.
Day 2, we woke up about 9 am, which was not good since everything kicked off at 9. Got some coffee in me and realized that other cavers run on "Marie Time"...that means late. We start with a group lecture, and a rundown on the different cave trips we could join up with that day. I had to encourage Leia to separate from me, I wanted her in the beginning class. The only thing she had "learned" safety wise from me thus far was ...
1. Don't die or we split your gear
2. Don't hurt the creatures
3. Three points of contact
Much thanks to Barbara and Jeff, they were going the beginning route as well and therefore she was able to have them around to feel more comfortable. I decided to go with R.D's group, which consisted of R.D., Leslie, Christopher, Chad, and some girl I do not recall her name (shes not a digger though). The plan was to go on both sides of Becks. I rode with Leslie and Christopher and got some local cave knowledge on the trip but I was feeling rather anxious, I was informed that the right side is a tight squeeze and it goes on for awhile. I was not confident in my ability to actually get through what they were describing. The cave is located in a park right behind a fire station and while I was being introduced to my new cave gear BFF (Duct Tape) they came and got info on when we would be out by and such. It felt good knowing rescue was close by.
The walk to the entrance was nice, we saw about 10 deer grazing and sadly they had no fear and did not care that we were so close. I hate that we encroach on the wild life. Leslie got some great pictures of us all going in and once inside a few of us start collecting trash, stupid people sneak into this cave and just leave their trash all around. It pissed me off, this is a beautiful cave, rather large and its a shame that some people not only risk their lives breaking into a cave they have no idea how to navigate but they are assholes and leave it the way they do. R.D. takes some pictures and we wait for Christopher and Chad (which if you do not dig, you will do alot if you go with them, best thing is to have a large enough group to separate, or become a digger ....guess what I decided to become?). I was following R.D. when we came upon a large slab that was on top of a bottle, the bottle was new, and there was no way it could have been placed there, the rock had to have slipped out and landed there...yea I feel great ...NOT. I am already wishing I was in the beginning caves. We push on though and get to the area that became my nemesis. This cave is crawling with life though, so at least I had that to keep my mind busy, avoid killing the millipedes and crickets! However, while waiting for others to catch up R.D wants to take more pictures for his article. Thats good, I model, Im a attention whore, I can do this. However to get to where he was to pose for the pictures got me in the place I was not looking forward to in this sport, I was not just scared , I was petrified. Had Leslie not crawled to the side of me and started talking I would have backed out right then and there. However once she talked to me (general chit chat) and went first I gained more confidence and followed her to where R.D. wanted us. I was right next to a mound of bugs, hundreds, pretty cool. We posed , posed some more, and then Leslie moved into the squeeze entrance to get some pictures as well and everything went down hill from there for me. I realized I was so compacted that I could not even turn my head straight, I sat there and kept asking how I could even get in there, and then I had the thought that I needed to get out and needed that right now. I held on for a minute or two and then the tears came. I could not stop them, I was to petrified to go on, I told Leslie I had to go and I made my way back to the pancake area, crying the whole way like the little bitch I am. Chad and Christopher were in a small pit checking things out and I asked Chad to bring me out. Christopher encouraged me to stay in that area until I was calm and then decide if I want to leave or try again. I honestly thought I would after calming down want to try again. I sat for a good ten minutes watching one pass break away to the other and tried to talk myself into going back towards R.D. and Leslie but then when I went to tell them I was gonna go back and try again instead the words "Im gonna go to the surface came out of my mouth".
Talk about a low. There has never been a sport, or a facet of it that I let control my emotions to the point of letting the fear win. I can not even describe my disappointment in myself. I went to the car, got undressed and just wallowed in self pity. When Leslie came back to see if I wanted to go on the left side with them I refused, I let the cave win. I found several excuses, I was hungry, I already changed, but in the end I admitted that I was to scared to go back in. While she was talking to Bill , about 10 minutes in, Christopher started walking up and then when I realized that I have to go in. Ive already heard his stories of fighting through his fear of the small spaces, how could I not respect his ability to fight through his fears that he shares with me in hopes it will encourage me to do the same and go forward, so I said "Im coming...let me gear up".
Once we got back in (I love this entrance, its fun to get in there) I told Chad that I was gonna hang back with them if they find a spot they want to work on. This was the single best decision I made this weekend. They put me to work, granted it was just taking breakaway and relocating it out of the way. However I found it, that reason I cave. Sitting there I found myself seeing things , an old headlamp, knee pads, bones, bottles, way old rusty pans...I felt a breeze through breakaway and felt this desire to pull the rocks away with visions of finding this huge undiscovered room filled to the rim with beautiful untouched formations and I realized "Im a digger" , which to some may translate to "Im part of the problem" but whatever, Im a digger so neener neener...
Me and Chad were starving and Christopher wanted to meet up with the group so we split up and we headed to subway and then back to base. Wow what a weekend...I thought I was done for a few days but after everyone went home on Sunday, I decided I wanted to go caving after the Oscar party and made plans...stay tuned to me learning the Mitchel System of vertical and venturing into a cave with the name "Dies".
While setting up camp Barbara and Jeff arrive. Later at the headquarters while eating pizza and drinking beer I got to know a bit more about them. Barbara is a newer caver as well, very warm vibe and sweet by nature. We also got to meet Mike Warton,(the man partially responsible for finding approx 500 caves in Williamson County) he described a few caves we could go to while waiting for others to start showing up and we all decide on Avery, which is literally a show cave that the TCC takes the public to once a year. I figure a show cave is a good "first" cave for this weekend and for Leia. Shes been in Mammoth on the tour but that was long ago. She has become a little daredevil the past few years but since I myself suffer from claustrophobia I wanted her to experience something without me getting freaked out in the background. We get to the location, smack dab in the middle of a neighborhood and wait forever for them to get the lock open. The gate over the entrance is easy to access but the lock is more a feel and hope type thing, feel for the opening and hope you get it in (That's what she said). Once inside we are star struck, literally one of the most beautiful sights you can see (well besides the sun setting while under canopy)the cave, although small, is rather decorated with a variety of beautiful formations. I did go off the platforms to the left and down a little passage, at the end I felt air coming out but they are not going to try to break through. I guess since this is one of the caves the public sees, they are not trying to open it up more, but I swear this one could be dug a bit, maybe its wishful thinking. Leia loved it and was excited for more.
Once we got back to base Christopher and Leslie had arrived and were talking of Merigold and invited us. They mentioned pits and I had already decided I wanted to wait until a rope night before I decided to go vertical again so we almost didnt go. However I had already sorta met Leslie, Terry had facebook'd us as they go caving every week and well that is what I have been wanting to do. So we decided to go so we could get to know them better. Barbara and Jeff decided not to go so it was me, Leia and Jim as the newbs and then Christopher , Leslie and Chad as the more experienced cavers. This is a rather small cave compared to Reed but still plenty of room to move around and rather decorated. The pancake room is not very much a pancake so I had no freak out sessions. Leia was eating it up and it was the highlight of this cave. Watching her not only thrive in the cave but make good choices in where she was willing to go. Soon after entering Christopher would just send her in these small passages to show her things, and she just went right up or down and at first it seemed like she may be a digger. However later we learned she was more of a explorer, how far she could go and how small of a space she can get into was more enjoyable for her then uncovering new passages. I was proud and excited for her. While waiting at one point we found a bunch of bones, I wanted to know what it was and so we started putting it back together, yea now thats family bonding time (Leia laughed but I have a feeling she was a bit embarrassed that I was doing this) We did the left side first which was good because on the right side is where my nerves got tested. On the left Chad was going to go into the pit, really we just watched although I did help with tying the rope off (yay to Rock Climbing and its training).
Once we headed over to the right side, it became apparent that I am not brave still, so it was good that I was now comfortable and had a level of trust for my fellow cavers due to the birth canal I was about to venture through. I went second to last, and Christopher played a vital part to "talking me through". This sport makes me feel like a bitch, I am so wimpy, thank goodness I wasnt in tears because that would have made me feel even more stupid. I got past it though and we were at another pit area. The diggers couldn't resist digging and so us newbs decided to go back to base. By the time we got back , ate and warmed up we were all exhausted and attempted to sleep.
Day 2, we woke up about 9 am, which was not good since everything kicked off at 9. Got some coffee in me and realized that other cavers run on "Marie Time"...that means late. We start with a group lecture, and a rundown on the different cave trips we could join up with that day. I had to encourage Leia to separate from me, I wanted her in the beginning class. The only thing she had "learned" safety wise from me thus far was ...
1. Don't die or we split your gear
2. Don't hurt the creatures
3. Three points of contact
Much thanks to Barbara and Jeff, they were going the beginning route as well and therefore she was able to have them around to feel more comfortable. I decided to go with R.D's group, which consisted of R.D., Leslie, Christopher, Chad, and some girl I do not recall her name (shes not a digger though). The plan was to go on both sides of Becks. I rode with Leslie and Christopher and got some local cave knowledge on the trip but I was feeling rather anxious, I was informed that the right side is a tight squeeze and it goes on for awhile. I was not confident in my ability to actually get through what they were describing. The cave is located in a park right behind a fire station and while I was being introduced to my new cave gear BFF (Duct Tape) they came and got info on when we would be out by and such. It felt good knowing rescue was close by.
The walk to the entrance was nice, we saw about 10 deer grazing and sadly they had no fear and did not care that we were so close. I hate that we encroach on the wild life. Leslie got some great pictures of us all going in and once inside a few of us start collecting trash, stupid people sneak into this cave and just leave their trash all around. It pissed me off, this is a beautiful cave, rather large and its a shame that some people not only risk their lives breaking into a cave they have no idea how to navigate but they are assholes and leave it the way they do. R.D. takes some pictures and we wait for Christopher and Chad (which if you do not dig, you will do alot if you go with them, best thing is to have a large enough group to separate, or become a digger ....guess what I decided to become?). I was following R.D. when we came upon a large slab that was on top of a bottle, the bottle was new, and there was no way it could have been placed there, the rock had to have slipped out and landed there...yea I feel great ...NOT. I am already wishing I was in the beginning caves. We push on though and get to the area that became my nemesis. This cave is crawling with life though, so at least I had that to keep my mind busy, avoid killing the millipedes and crickets! However, while waiting for others to catch up R.D wants to take more pictures for his article. Thats good, I model, Im a attention whore, I can do this. However to get to where he was to pose for the pictures got me in the place I was not looking forward to in this sport, I was not just scared , I was petrified. Had Leslie not crawled to the side of me and started talking I would have backed out right then and there. However once she talked to me (general chit chat) and went first I gained more confidence and followed her to where R.D. wanted us. I was right next to a mound of bugs, hundreds, pretty cool. We posed , posed some more, and then Leslie moved into the squeeze entrance to get some pictures as well and everything went down hill from there for me. I realized I was so compacted that I could not even turn my head straight, I sat there and kept asking how I could even get in there, and then I had the thought that I needed to get out and needed that right now. I held on for a minute or two and then the tears came. I could not stop them, I was to petrified to go on, I told Leslie I had to go and I made my way back to the pancake area, crying the whole way like the little bitch I am. Chad and Christopher were in a small pit checking things out and I asked Chad to bring me out. Christopher encouraged me to stay in that area until I was calm and then decide if I want to leave or try again. I honestly thought I would after calming down want to try again. I sat for a good ten minutes watching one pass break away to the other and tried to talk myself into going back towards R.D. and Leslie but then when I went to tell them I was gonna go back and try again instead the words "Im gonna go to the surface came out of my mouth".
Talk about a low. There has never been a sport, or a facet of it that I let control my emotions to the point of letting the fear win. I can not even describe my disappointment in myself. I went to the car, got undressed and just wallowed in self pity. When Leslie came back to see if I wanted to go on the left side with them I refused, I let the cave win. I found several excuses, I was hungry, I already changed, but in the end I admitted that I was to scared to go back in. While she was talking to Bill , about 10 minutes in, Christopher started walking up and then when I realized that I have to go in. Ive already heard his stories of fighting through his fear of the small spaces, how could I not respect his ability to fight through his fears that he shares with me in hopes it will encourage me to do the same and go forward, so I said "Im coming...let me gear up".
Once we got back in (I love this entrance, its fun to get in there) I told Chad that I was gonna hang back with them if they find a spot they want to work on. This was the single best decision I made this weekend. They put me to work, granted it was just taking breakaway and relocating it out of the way. However I found it, that reason I cave. Sitting there I found myself seeing things , an old headlamp, knee pads, bones, bottles, way old rusty pans...I felt a breeze through breakaway and felt this desire to pull the rocks away with visions of finding this huge undiscovered room filled to the rim with beautiful untouched formations and I realized "Im a digger" , which to some may translate to "Im part of the problem" but whatever, Im a digger so neener neener...
Me and Chad were starving and Christopher wanted to meet up with the group so we split up and we headed to subway and then back to base. Wow what a weekend...I thought I was done for a few days but after everyone went home on Sunday, I decided I wanted to go caving after the Oscar party and made plans...stay tuned to me learning the Mitchel System of vertical and venturing into a cave with the name "Dies".
Monday, February 7, 2011
Fighting Guilt...Prefer Spock aka "How to ignore your gut instints"
Recently I posted a trip report for my first caving experience, the ability it had to give me a moment of happiness. After writing the report I learned what it meant to fight guilty feelings. Reading, and sharing the experience in way of a trip report caused me to think of things that I am trying hard to lay to rest. I felt like maybe I should crawl back into my hole, but instead I decided to crawl back into another cave.
When I first was put into contact with Terry, and first invited to Reed Cave, I knew just by the description that it was out of my experience level. However, the knowledge that only about 8 people had ever even been in this cave appealed to the inner Captain Kirk, although I am secretly in love with Spock, to go into a world uncharted was impossible to turn down. Here is the first two times I ignored my gut. I had decided that my gut was just preying on my fears. Fears I am learning are not reasonable to have, fears that are fun to give the bird to. The first description of this cave was as follows...
"We have a trip that while it will seem daunting in is not really that difficult, Cave starts as a 60ft drop, then a ear dip then some (stoop)walking, room, walking , room, crawl, 20ft climb down to first stream, them stream passages, stoop, float, walk to the two sumps, one upstream one downstream, ~400m from entrance. One will get completely wet, and muddy. "
All I actually read was "60 ft drop...blah blah blah your gonna fall", but the more we talked about it the more confident I became in my lack of skills. After all, some aspects of being new in a sport mean the fear of the unknowns helps to keep me focused on my every move. Reality is though I should have listened to my gut but I am very happy I did not. This translates to do as I say, not as I do.
I arrive to the meeting spot a bit early because I knew I had to get into my wetsuit and since I was meeting lots of new people I was not quite comfortable getting naked in front of them. This of course changed after the trip and when I was out I had no problems just getting out of the wetsuit but more on that later. When Terry arrived I started receiving a history lesson on the cave and its discovery as well as why its been over 15 years since anyone has got to go down to it. I find out more on "our" mission while waiting for the landowner to arrive (I put our in quotes because the reality is I did nothing to help the mission but was just an observer) the task at hand is to map out the cave better, as well as let the divers check out the sumps (new word, this means I think water passage, at least from what I understand and what I saw). Once Bob arrives he tells us all a bit about himself and how he came to sell the ranch that the cave was on and why 15 years later he bought it back. This is where I felt this immense amount of respect for what we were about to do. To hear his condensed version of his life in regards to the life of this cave was astounding. That is not my story to tell, although if you ever get to meet Bob, I hope he graces you with his spirit and gives you a glimpse into just what caving means to him.
By this point we are brought over to look at the entrance of Reed Cave. Here was the first "Gut says back out" of the day. The entrance is a hole, this tiny little baby hole that supposedly leads 60 feet straight down with nothing but air in-between. Although my gut, and my mouth says "No friggen way" my body is bouncing in delight. Whats the worst that can happen right? I mean, I am a rock climber, and forever ago I was a firefighter, I can do this. BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE....LETS GO. Back at "base" everyone but me is switched into their mode. Some are getting geared up, some are transferring things from here to there...lots of talking , most of which I have no idea what it meant. Then Terry comes over with his vertical cave gear, since this is my second caving experience I of course do not have nor know how to actually use it. Ive read about the system already and I understand its concept. Once it is shown to me I copy it and gear up. Yea not comfortable at all, it feels much like a skydiving rig but without the rig, just the webbing. However I get it right and I get a lesson in how to rappel using this gear and we all head over to the entrance.
I was not scared while waiting in line, I was not scared watching people get on the rope and disappear below the earth, and I was not scared when I myself hooked on and started backing up. I became a bit scared when I broke the surface and I realized I could not see anyone else. I knew I had a belay some 60 feet below, I knew that there were people above me waiting for me to be off the rope and I knew that I needed to start descending but this fear just told me to open my eyes. Wait, they are open...NO OPEN YOUR EYES. This meant I must close them, breathe, and try again. So there I was, hanging on a rope, a few feet below the ground, but 60 feet above my destination and I really open my eyes. To try to even describe this is impossible but I will try, I opened my eyes and the only thing I saw was this amazing piece of art work the earth made just for me. That's right, this was all just for me, I felt chocked up and all I could say was "Wow" as I look at this amazing waterfall made entirely of rock, and coated with beautiful small white crystals...I think I said the same thing over and over again before I got snapped into reality. I still was close enough to the surface that the people there could hear me talking to myself and someone laughed and I heard them explain to each other how awesome it is to hear the reactions of new cavers. I apologize for going slow and did so many times. I was in sheer shock at the beauty that was that moment. Slowly repelling down, feeling the air get warmer, tasting the muck that is in the air, and looking at the force of nature and what some water can do to some rock took me to a place I have not been since my first skydive. Pure amazement. To witness this, to feel so in-tune with something so foreign is something to revel in.
I finally got to the bottom. I loved yelling "Off rope" i felt pride, not because what I did was physically hard, or demanding, but because I told my gut to suck it up and get over it, and here I was, 60 feet below the surface. Screw you responsible Marie. My white waterfall followed me down, but now I have a chance to take a picture of it. I was elated, and unable to actually say much more then expressions of such.
One reason I was not going to write the trip report was that I was unsure if I could do this cave justice. I have no clue what order everything happened in, I do not know the names of the specific formations we saw, heck I do not even know what kinda bats it was that I saw or the names of the eyeless spiders I found were but what I do know is that even if I never get invited on another cave trip that I got to experience this and although I am battered and bruised right now and barely able to type as fast as my brain thinks the words, that I experienced some of the most beautiful events in history. I crawled through natures fury, I scaled natures step ladders, crossed and ducked under natural bridges. I will try to attempt to give a idea of the time line but doubt its correct.
The first thing we did was duck under a gap in the wall, we had to crawl about a 3 foot dip and it opened up into a slight passage, others were crawling but I was on my belly (Height is not a bonus in caving so far) I was following Ellie and you would think she was a marathon caver. I could not keep up and we were only moving for a few minutes. I hear someone comment on the smell of our first water passage, someone said that it must be "Bubble and Squeak" and that is exactly what it did, you step down and sink into a few feet of mud and it bubbles and squeaks, and it smells of decayed cedar with a hint of moldy spider corpses (Im exaggerating, I have no idea what spider corpses smell like) this water was nasty, and heres where I get the joy of a ear dip. Funny thing is, I had no idea what was meant when it was called an ear dip, what it means, is that the space between the water surface and the ceiling of the rock makes it to where you have to dip your ear in the water to pass. The only reason I did not chicken out was because I was trying to keep up with Ellie, however the butt in front of me wasn't Ellie's anymore. Crap, I am being LAPPED?
Then I start hearing that we should be at the "Wagon Wheel" a few are trying to figure out if its a rock in the shape of a wheel or what. The reality of it is that it was almost a spiral staircase with a bridge that shoots out and allows you to either spiral down or cheat and hop over the bridge, at least that is what the rocks tell me. There so happens to be a rusty wagon wheel halfway down the spiral passage and so we are aware we are on the right track. We get to this supposed room that leads to the sump and this is when I realize Ellie is behind me and its Aimees butt I am following. I hear that we are at some pancake part and it was not until I actually got my body in it that I realized that I am a dumb ass. I am scared of confined spaces. This is literally me pancaked in-between rocks that are underground, I am fully aware that Texas has dangerous flash floods and I am surrounded by water before and after the pancake. Somehow now Dale is behind me, I am struggling to get through this, emotionally and physically. Since donating the kidney I have gotten lazy, I am out of shape, I am breathing way to hard and I am way to scared and then I realize that there is a way to become to afraid of something and that was about the moment I hear Aimee's reaction to our next move. I hear her say "This is so beautiful, I can't believe it"...then she says "Theres no way we can get down there"...what? Down? Huh? I try to listen in as James states he is going to spot her and explains where she needs to put what. Im still pancaked in, I am on the verge of backing out at this point. My gut is yelling at me to get the hell out of there before you die. Aimee disappears and I move forward as if to tell my gut it is not welcomed on this trip. Then I see it. I see this outline of a hole, basically the pancakes colon. Its literally a lip, peering over the lip is a good 20 to 30 feet of nothing...one has to stick their head down in the colon just to see a potential grip. I did NOT sign up for this. There are no safety lines, there is no easy way for this group to get my corpse out of the pancake so I decide I can not just stay and rot and I am not ready to back out and have to endure the pancake again.
One thing Ill state is that I am sure the group realized I was nervous, but I am a professional actress, and therefore, the debilitating fear I was feeling was masked more as just slight nerves and so they were unaware that the reality of my emotional state was that of which I am describing. Hell some of them I only advertised I work in production so they , not knowing me, were unable to read exactly what I was feeling based on my brief comments and facial expressions. Now back to thinking I am going to die...I felt the need to keep going because I could hear the conversations that were being passed on to the others behind me, and one thing I like to make sure about is that I do not take away from others experience and enjoyment so I just go for it. I twist my body around and get both my legs inside the colon, and somehow find a way to traverse down the pit of despair. I have James there to help spot and describe which way I need to move and I make it. I join Aimee and I can not do anything but feel extensive pride over what I just did. At this point Dale is already down (as if it was nothing but a hop down) and our sub-group decides that I get to go through the water passage first. I can not thank James enough for offering that to me. He is here to dive, he wants to dive the sump first, discover where it may go, and here he is, offering me the first walk through of the water passage so I can see it un-tainted. First we enjoy looking at the salamanders in the water. They are rather cute and then we are off, at times the water was up to my knees, and at the next room I give my spot up so others can experience the clear blue waters of Reed.
I found moving through the water difficult until I realized I could just float and use my hands to guide me. Thank you Ellie, the tip helped save energy. We travel through several water passages...sometimes we had to swim through them. The whole time I am just amazed. The whole time, Id walk around not realizing that heaven is actually below us. We get to a spot where to our left is the upstream sump and we wade downstream a bit more to the room where we will wait for the rest of the group. Its James, Me, Ellie, Aimee, Vivian and Dale. We hop on the rock and talk, Dale has me turn my light off and we talk while a few wonder past the rock. Its really weird to have a conversation in pitch black, it feels like you are misbehaving. I even would find myself trying to breathe silent. As if the sound of me breathing was polluting the moment. It was enchanting to relax in fire and brimstone, although this is not the depths of hell, this is my new heaven. My beef jerky actually stayed dry and we pass it around when Jeanette gets there and while the divers set to work.
Due to my extensive heavy breathing I was starting to react to the bad air and headed back with some of the group. I actually do not remember to much. I had a fall at one point when the rock I stepped on was actually mud, I think Vivian was the one who helped me get stable from that. I took some time to catch my breath as some surveyed. When Jean stated she was going up I jumped on that band wagon and decided that I was no longer able to stay in paradise but that I needed fresh air, and more water.
Let me go on record as saying that ascending 60 feet is the hardest physical thing I have ever done. I took way to long, I cried out way to much. How the hell is one able to learn to literally stand in the air? Seriously it sucked. Once at the top I was hurting from the fall, and the cuts and the headache that engulfed me and although Terry had already explained that once I got to the top and was able to use the rocks or the rope but not both I could not quite commit to just one and so it seemed to take forever. I made it though, I was out...I was at my car, and regardless of who was around I stripped off my cave clothes because all that mattered at that moment was getting dry and warm. Sorry for those subjected to my naked ass, thats okay though, I could pick out several of yours in a line up I spent so much time behind them. So there you have it...my second caving adventure. I am so glad that my gut lies sometimes.
Disclaimer * To show just how off my memory is , I received a correction Geoff I was first down to the start of the stream and spotted Aimee down, then handed me off to James. We sat in the dark and chatted., dale came along a bit later.
Photographer Geoff Hoese took these incredible photos and is allowing me to share them in the blog. He reserves all rights to them and if you wish to use them contact me and I will forwarded you to him.
When I first was put into contact with Terry, and first invited to Reed Cave, I knew just by the description that it was out of my experience level. However, the knowledge that only about 8 people had ever even been in this cave appealed to the inner Captain Kirk, although I am secretly in love with Spock, to go into a world uncharted was impossible to turn down. Here is the first two times I ignored my gut. I had decided that my gut was just preying on my fears. Fears I am learning are not reasonable to have, fears that are fun to give the bird to. The first description of this cave was as follows...
"We have a trip that while it will seem daunting in is not really that difficult, Cave starts as a 60ft drop, then a ear dip then some (stoop)walking, room, walking , room, crawl, 20ft climb down to first stream, them stream passages, stoop, float, walk to the two sumps, one upstream one downstream, ~400m from entrance. One will get completely wet, and muddy. "
All I actually read was "60 ft drop...blah blah blah your gonna fall", but the more we talked about it the more confident I became in my lack of skills. After all, some aspects of being new in a sport mean the fear of the unknowns helps to keep me focused on my every move. Reality is though I should have listened to my gut but I am very happy I did not. This translates to do as I say, not as I do.
I arrive to the meeting spot a bit early because I knew I had to get into my wetsuit and since I was meeting lots of new people I was not quite comfortable getting naked in front of them. This of course changed after the trip and when I was out I had no problems just getting out of the wetsuit but more on that later. When Terry arrived I started receiving a history lesson on the cave and its discovery as well as why its been over 15 years since anyone has got to go down to it. I find out more on "our" mission while waiting for the landowner to arrive (I put our in quotes because the reality is I did nothing to help the mission but was just an observer) the task at hand is to map out the cave better, as well as let the divers check out the sumps (new word, this means I think water passage, at least from what I understand and what I saw). Once Bob arrives he tells us all a bit about himself and how he came to sell the ranch that the cave was on and why 15 years later he bought it back. This is where I felt this immense amount of respect for what we were about to do. To hear his condensed version of his life in regards to the life of this cave was astounding. That is not my story to tell, although if you ever get to meet Bob, I hope he graces you with his spirit and gives you a glimpse into just what caving means to him.
By this point we are brought over to look at the entrance of Reed Cave. Here was the first "Gut says back out" of the day. The entrance is a hole, this tiny little baby hole that supposedly leads 60 feet straight down with nothing but air in-between. Although my gut, and my mouth says "No friggen way" my body is bouncing in delight. Whats the worst that can happen right? I mean, I am a rock climber, and forever ago I was a firefighter, I can do this. BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE....LETS GO. Back at "base" everyone but me is switched into their mode. Some are getting geared up, some are transferring things from here to there...lots of talking , most of which I have no idea what it meant. Then Terry comes over with his vertical cave gear, since this is my second caving experience I of course do not have nor know how to actually use it. Ive read about the system already and I understand its concept. Once it is shown to me I copy it and gear up. Yea not comfortable at all, it feels much like a skydiving rig but without the rig, just the webbing. However I get it right and I get a lesson in how to rappel using this gear and we all head over to the entrance.
I was not scared while waiting in line, I was not scared watching people get on the rope and disappear below the earth, and I was not scared when I myself hooked on and started backing up. I became a bit scared when I broke the surface and I realized I could not see anyone else. I knew I had a belay some 60 feet below, I knew that there were people above me waiting for me to be off the rope and I knew that I needed to start descending but this fear just told me to open my eyes. Wait, they are open...NO OPEN YOUR EYES. This meant I must close them, breathe, and try again. So there I was, hanging on a rope, a few feet below the ground, but 60 feet above my destination and I really open my eyes. To try to even describe this is impossible but I will try, I opened my eyes and the only thing I saw was this amazing piece of art work the earth made just for me. That's right, this was all just for me, I felt chocked up and all I could say was "Wow" as I look at this amazing waterfall made entirely of rock, and coated with beautiful small white crystals...I think I said the same thing over and over again before I got snapped into reality. I still was close enough to the surface that the people there could hear me talking to myself and someone laughed and I heard them explain to each other how awesome it is to hear the reactions of new cavers. I apologize for going slow and did so many times. I was in sheer shock at the beauty that was that moment. Slowly repelling down, feeling the air get warmer, tasting the muck that is in the air, and looking at the force of nature and what some water can do to some rock took me to a place I have not been since my first skydive. Pure amazement. To witness this, to feel so in-tune with something so foreign is something to revel in.
I finally got to the bottom. I loved yelling "Off rope" i felt pride, not because what I did was physically hard, or demanding, but because I told my gut to suck it up and get over it, and here I was, 60 feet below the surface. Screw you responsible Marie. My white waterfall followed me down, but now I have a chance to take a picture of it. I was elated, and unable to actually say much more then expressions of such.
One reason I was not going to write the trip report was that I was unsure if I could do this cave justice. I have no clue what order everything happened in, I do not know the names of the specific formations we saw, heck I do not even know what kinda bats it was that I saw or the names of the eyeless spiders I found were but what I do know is that even if I never get invited on another cave trip that I got to experience this and although I am battered and bruised right now and barely able to type as fast as my brain thinks the words, that I experienced some of the most beautiful events in history. I crawled through natures fury, I scaled natures step ladders, crossed and ducked under natural bridges. I will try to attempt to give a idea of the time line but doubt its correct.
The first thing we did was duck under a gap in the wall, we had to crawl about a 3 foot dip and it opened up into a slight passage, others were crawling but I was on my belly (Height is not a bonus in caving so far) I was following Ellie and you would think she was a marathon caver. I could not keep up and we were only moving for a few minutes. I hear someone comment on the smell of our first water passage, someone said that it must be "Bubble and Squeak" and that is exactly what it did, you step down and sink into a few feet of mud and it bubbles and squeaks, and it smells of decayed cedar with a hint of moldy spider corpses (Im exaggerating, I have no idea what spider corpses smell like) this water was nasty, and heres where I get the joy of a ear dip. Funny thing is, I had no idea what was meant when it was called an ear dip, what it means, is that the space between the water surface and the ceiling of the rock makes it to where you have to dip your ear in the water to pass. The only reason I did not chicken out was because I was trying to keep up with Ellie, however the butt in front of me wasn't Ellie's anymore. Crap, I am being LAPPED?
Then I start hearing that we should be at the "Wagon Wheel" a few are trying to figure out if its a rock in the shape of a wheel or what. The reality of it is that it was almost a spiral staircase with a bridge that shoots out and allows you to either spiral down or cheat and hop over the bridge, at least that is what the rocks tell me. There so happens to be a rusty wagon wheel halfway down the spiral passage and so we are aware we are on the right track. We get to this supposed room that leads to the sump and this is when I realize Ellie is behind me and its Aimees butt I am following. I hear that we are at some pancake part and it was not until I actually got my body in it that I realized that I am a dumb ass. I am scared of confined spaces. This is literally me pancaked in-between rocks that are underground, I am fully aware that Texas has dangerous flash floods and I am surrounded by water before and after the pancake. Somehow now Dale is behind me, I am struggling to get through this, emotionally and physically. Since donating the kidney I have gotten lazy, I am out of shape, I am breathing way to hard and I am way to scared and then I realize that there is a way to become to afraid of something and that was about the moment I hear Aimee's reaction to our next move. I hear her say "This is so beautiful, I can't believe it"...then she says "Theres no way we can get down there"...what? Down? Huh? I try to listen in as James states he is going to spot her and explains where she needs to put what. Im still pancaked in, I am on the verge of backing out at this point. My gut is yelling at me to get the hell out of there before you die. Aimee disappears and I move forward as if to tell my gut it is not welcomed on this trip. Then I see it. I see this outline of a hole, basically the pancakes colon. Its literally a lip, peering over the lip is a good 20 to 30 feet of nothing...one has to stick their head down in the colon just to see a potential grip. I did NOT sign up for this. There are no safety lines, there is no easy way for this group to get my corpse out of the pancake so I decide I can not just stay and rot and I am not ready to back out and have to endure the pancake again.
One thing Ill state is that I am sure the group realized I was nervous, but I am a professional actress, and therefore, the debilitating fear I was feeling was masked more as just slight nerves and so they were unaware that the reality of my emotional state was that of which I am describing. Hell some of them I only advertised I work in production so they , not knowing me, were unable to read exactly what I was feeling based on my brief comments and facial expressions. Now back to thinking I am going to die...I felt the need to keep going because I could hear the conversations that were being passed on to the others behind me, and one thing I like to make sure about is that I do not take away from others experience and enjoyment so I just go for it. I twist my body around and get both my legs inside the colon, and somehow find a way to traverse down the pit of despair. I have James there to help spot and describe which way I need to move and I make it. I join Aimee and I can not do anything but feel extensive pride over what I just did. At this point Dale is already down (as if it was nothing but a hop down) and our sub-group decides that I get to go through the water passage first. I can not thank James enough for offering that to me. He is here to dive, he wants to dive the sump first, discover where it may go, and here he is, offering me the first walk through of the water passage so I can see it un-tainted. First we enjoy looking at the salamanders in the water. They are rather cute and then we are off, at times the water was up to my knees, and at the next room I give my spot up so others can experience the clear blue waters of Reed.
I found moving through the water difficult until I realized I could just float and use my hands to guide me. Thank you Ellie, the tip helped save energy. We travel through several water passages...sometimes we had to swim through them. The whole time I am just amazed. The whole time, Id walk around not realizing that heaven is actually below us. We get to a spot where to our left is the upstream sump and we wade downstream a bit more to the room where we will wait for the rest of the group. Its James, Me, Ellie, Aimee, Vivian and Dale. We hop on the rock and talk, Dale has me turn my light off and we talk while a few wonder past the rock. Its really weird to have a conversation in pitch black, it feels like you are misbehaving. I even would find myself trying to breathe silent. As if the sound of me breathing was polluting the moment. It was enchanting to relax in fire and brimstone, although this is not the depths of hell, this is my new heaven. My beef jerky actually stayed dry and we pass it around when Jeanette gets there and while the divers set to work.
Due to my extensive heavy breathing I was starting to react to the bad air and headed back with some of the group. I actually do not remember to much. I had a fall at one point when the rock I stepped on was actually mud, I think Vivian was the one who helped me get stable from that. I took some time to catch my breath as some surveyed. When Jean stated she was going up I jumped on that band wagon and decided that I was no longer able to stay in paradise but that I needed fresh air, and more water.
Let me go on record as saying that ascending 60 feet is the hardest physical thing I have ever done. I took way to long, I cried out way to much. How the hell is one able to learn to literally stand in the air? Seriously it sucked. Once at the top I was hurting from the fall, and the cuts and the headache that engulfed me and although Terry had already explained that once I got to the top and was able to use the rocks or the rope but not both I could not quite commit to just one and so it seemed to take forever. I made it though, I was out...I was at my car, and regardless of who was around I stripped off my cave clothes because all that mattered at that moment was getting dry and warm. Sorry for those subjected to my naked ass, thats okay though, I could pick out several of yours in a line up I spent so much time behind them. So there you have it...my second caving adventure. I am so glad that my gut lies sometimes.
Disclaimer * To show just how off my memory is , I received a correction Geoff I was first down to the start of the stream and spotted Aimee down, then handed me off to James. We sat in the dark and chatted., dale came along a bit later.
Photographer Geoff Hoese took these incredible photos and is allowing me to share them in the blog. He reserves all rights to them and if you wish to use them contact me and I will forwarded you to him.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Are you kidding me?
That was the line of the night on my first caving trip..."Are you kidding me?". I am a skydiver, SCUBA diver, and a rock climber and yet I found a new sport to scare the crap out of me as well as make me feel the rush that so often gives me a new light on this thing called life. Since LeRoy died and the events that took place during the search and recovery I have turned into a recluse. To spend time with my best friends 10 day dead body had stripped me of many passions. I had lost the ability to wear my heart on my sleeve, I found myself doing everything I could to avoid people, old friends, and in no way was I comfortable making new ones so just signing up for the beginning course in itself was a feat.
For years now my friend Tim Stich had, on occasion tried to encourage me to try caving. He had in the past hooked me up with my Rock Climbing mentor Tommy. I have a fear of confined spaces. Not debilitating, but enough to make it take years to sign up for the trip. Finally on a whim I looked at the UT Grotto calender and emailed Heather to sign up for the trip. I was determined not to cancel or find an excuse to not follow through and so the plan was set in motion, I will be going in a cave.
I was running late, thanks to wonderful traffic on mopac and the fact that with the crappy weather everyone here in Austin turns into even crappier drivers. I was worried and somewhat elated thinking they may leave without me and Id be able to tell myself it wasn't meant to be. I pulled up under the bridge and there stood 9 others still gearing up..."Are you kidding me?" dammit. I get out and of course, typical me acts as if nothing is wrong and I joke and make comments on the weather. The leads are promising us that the temps will be nice inside and that is enough right there to encourage me not to back out. It didn't hurt that there were enough leads there that if I was not able to move forward then one would bring me out.
One of the first things I notice is that everyone is really nice, they have the same feeling as the Skydiving and Rock Climbing community. That puts me at ease. I opted to not bring a bag and so I pawned my water off on Eric and we all start walking to the entrance. We get to the marker and they go over the cave layout and lead us to the hatch. You know the hatch in Lost? Yea that is what this was... Didn't work so well for the cast of Lost and so of course I wonder if my fate will be the same. Then Shayne opens the hatch and it goes straight down about 10 feet "Are you kidding me?".
Once inside we get a briefing of cave rules, typical nature rules.
1. Take nothing but pictures.
2. Leave nothing but footprints
3. Say clear (This means its safe for the person behind you to go)
4. Leave the cave critters alone
Shayne also goes over the history of the cave, some common ways of navigation in a cave and then he says "You can put your jackets in this bag and I am going to lock the hatch" ..."Are you kidding me?" yes we got locked in. There are ten of us, Shayne will lead, Carol will be in the middle and Kristina in the back. Diego has enough gear to help us all survive for a month so were set there. One of the first things I learned is that being 6' is not an advantage in all sports, and I learned this by going down the corkscrew...I knew I was flexible but this was a bit much. So far though I was without fear, I was more focused on looking for the next grip or looking for the light behind me.
We travel through a series of passages and small rooms and then we get to the Travis County room. Here we stop for a rest, some water, and some more education. A few of the smaller people decide to go into this small room in the room, I opted out. During this time they told us to find a comfortable spot and we were going to all turn our lights off. This was surreal. Talk about dark. We sit like that for about 5 minutes and it was the epitome of peace. I felt like I was going to fall asleep. There was slight talk, and then the thought of the first people who would explore caves, or the ones who got lost, that this was what they went through, and some probably died this way and I thought "Hmmm this would be a peaceful death, youd go crazy first and being crazy makes everything easier". We are given the option to go to the Birth Canal and we all vote to go.
This is where things became uncomfortable. I was moving slower then the person in front of me and therefore I had nothing in front of me at all but the light that was cast by my own headlamp. I kept calling ahead but sound was not carrying, the people behind me were stating "There is no one in front of Lisamarie" and I figure they were not to thrilled with the prospect of me alone in the front. Finally I heard Carol and started moving faster so I could get to them. I kept asking "Is this the birth canal" they kept saying no...We had already learned how to go through it and I decided that Id do it on my back when the time came. Entering it was extremely hard for me mentally. I had to turn my head to the side to get it in (That's what he said) and I started getting pretty scared and "Are you kidding me?". It is a short passage and when I was almost through I thought I got stuck and I started spazzing out...then I realized I was holding my breath, relaxed myself and gave it one final pull and I was in the Ant Lion Room...The gratification of getting through the birth canal was amazing. I was rather proud of myself but a bit shaken. Erik came through and high fived me, then Shelley and another high five. We are an awesome beginning caving class...Total gratification. I do not want to stop I want to keep going deeper in the cave, but alas we had to turn back.
We got back to the Travis County Room and Shayne wanted to show us the sunrise...So we all turned our lights out and he went to the entrance, it really looked like a time lapsed sunrise, and so I asked for him to do it again...5 times later we wanted another black out , but this time we had Diego put on the music. So there we are , in total black, listening to Pink Floyd. I swear the cave is more comfortable then my recliner. Im feeling rather happy which is often not easy for me in a group of people. When we were listening to the music in the dark I thought of LeRoy, how much I miss him, how much anger I have still in regards to the events surrounding his death and for the first time I did not cry or feel like I could not breathe. I miss him daily, I am okay with that, but the days where I go right back to that morgue and the sights and smells, those are the ones I want to go away. Maybe getting myself out there in the world will help me with that? I am signed up for the next class, because life is for the living and I can not hide forever.
For years now my friend Tim Stich had, on occasion tried to encourage me to try caving. He had in the past hooked me up with my Rock Climbing mentor Tommy. I have a fear of confined spaces. Not debilitating, but enough to make it take years to sign up for the trip. Finally on a whim I looked at the UT Grotto calender and emailed Heather to sign up for the trip. I was determined not to cancel or find an excuse to not follow through and so the plan was set in motion, I will be going in a cave.
I was running late, thanks to wonderful traffic on mopac and the fact that with the crappy weather everyone here in Austin turns into even crappier drivers. I was worried and somewhat elated thinking they may leave without me and Id be able to tell myself it wasn't meant to be. I pulled up under the bridge and there stood 9 others still gearing up..."Are you kidding me?" dammit. I get out and of course, typical me acts as if nothing is wrong and I joke and make comments on the weather. The leads are promising us that the temps will be nice inside and that is enough right there to encourage me not to back out. It didn't hurt that there were enough leads there that if I was not able to move forward then one would bring me out.
One of the first things I notice is that everyone is really nice, they have the same feeling as the Skydiving and Rock Climbing community. That puts me at ease. I opted to not bring a bag and so I pawned my water off on Eric and we all start walking to the entrance. We get to the marker and they go over the cave layout and lead us to the hatch. You know the hatch in Lost? Yea that is what this was... Didn't work so well for the cast of Lost and so of course I wonder if my fate will be the same. Then Shayne opens the hatch and it goes straight down about 10 feet "Are you kidding me?".
Once inside we get a briefing of cave rules, typical nature rules.
1. Take nothing but pictures.
2. Leave nothing but footprints
3. Say clear (This means its safe for the person behind you to go)
4. Leave the cave critters alone
Shayne also goes over the history of the cave, some common ways of navigation in a cave and then he says "You can put your jackets in this bag and I am going to lock the hatch" ..."Are you kidding me?" yes we got locked in. There are ten of us, Shayne will lead, Carol will be in the middle and Kristina in the back. Diego has enough gear to help us all survive for a month so were set there. One of the first things I learned is that being 6' is not an advantage in all sports, and I learned this by going down the corkscrew...I knew I was flexible but this was a bit much. So far though I was without fear, I was more focused on looking for the next grip or looking for the light behind me.
We travel through a series of passages and small rooms and then we get to the Travis County room. Here we stop for a rest, some water, and some more education. A few of the smaller people decide to go into this small room in the room, I opted out. During this time they told us to find a comfortable spot and we were going to all turn our lights off. This was surreal. Talk about dark. We sit like that for about 5 minutes and it was the epitome of peace. I felt like I was going to fall asleep. There was slight talk, and then the thought of the first people who would explore caves, or the ones who got lost, that this was what they went through, and some probably died this way and I thought "Hmmm this would be a peaceful death, youd go crazy first and being crazy makes everything easier". We are given the option to go to the Birth Canal and we all vote to go.
This is where things became uncomfortable. I was moving slower then the person in front of me and therefore I had nothing in front of me at all but the light that was cast by my own headlamp. I kept calling ahead but sound was not carrying, the people behind me were stating "There is no one in front of Lisamarie" and I figure they were not to thrilled with the prospect of me alone in the front. Finally I heard Carol and started moving faster so I could get to them. I kept asking "Is this the birth canal" they kept saying no...We had already learned how to go through it and I decided that Id do it on my back when the time came. Entering it was extremely hard for me mentally. I had to turn my head to the side to get it in (That's what he said) and I started getting pretty scared and "Are you kidding me?". It is a short passage and when I was almost through I thought I got stuck and I started spazzing out...then I realized I was holding my breath, relaxed myself and gave it one final pull and I was in the Ant Lion Room...The gratification of getting through the birth canal was amazing. I was rather proud of myself but a bit shaken. Erik came through and high fived me, then Shelley and another high five. We are an awesome beginning caving class...Total gratification. I do not want to stop I want to keep going deeper in the cave, but alas we had to turn back.
We got back to the Travis County Room and Shayne wanted to show us the sunrise...So we all turned our lights out and he went to the entrance, it really looked like a time lapsed sunrise, and so I asked for him to do it again...5 times later we wanted another black out , but this time we had Diego put on the music. So there we are , in total black, listening to Pink Floyd. I swear the cave is more comfortable then my recliner. Im feeling rather happy which is often not easy for me in a group of people. When we were listening to the music in the dark I thought of LeRoy, how much I miss him, how much anger I have still in regards to the events surrounding his death and for the first time I did not cry or feel like I could not breathe. I miss him daily, I am okay with that, but the days where I go right back to that morgue and the sights and smells, those are the ones I want to go away. Maybe getting myself out there in the world will help me with that? I am signed up for the next class, because life is for the living and I can not hide forever.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Finding B.A.S.E. 1092 ...Revisited
Most everyone I know, either was involved with in some way the search and recovery of LeRoy last year in Delta Utah, either they read about it on here because they are my friends and or family...or they are in the skydiving community and watched it blow by blow. All the horrid events, and the incredibly sad outcome. If you are not aware then read the earlier posts to get up to speed or some of this may not make much sense.
Yesterday was the year mark for LeRoys death, although it took some time to find his body and did not happen until both Tiffany and I arrived in Utah to join the search parties (Although we were not the ones to find him). I wear my heart on my sleeve, I am not scared to show and admit my fears, my loves, and my faults. I think it is those reasons on why I have not handled the deaths of those I choose to be my family very well. When I lived in GA and was still closer to a Wuffo (Someone who says "Wuffo you jump out of them planes?") after an incredible day in which Lee and Beezy (both who are now no longer with us) took me on 3 incredible jumps (including my first fruit loop) about a dozen of us went to a local restaurant. I was sitting next to Chaos Kitty and the conversation got to death in the sport. I had yet to experience this aspect of it. Id felt the friendship, the love, the sense of belonging...all the good things, but not the death. Chaos looked at me and said "Stay in the sport long enough and you will lose someone, it is not a question of if...but when". I believed her of course, and it made me sad to look around the table and realize it could be anyone of us. However I did not fully understand it until we lost Shannon. It was a downward spiral for me as my list of friends turned into a list of people I will never see again. I go back and read my skydiving log book and am very grateful that I have signatures from those now gone.
The year was tough, I had seen and experienced things during the search for my best friend and the recovery of his remains that I would not wish on anyone. I identified his body, I cut the closing pins off the parachute he did not deploy in time (or at all). I became an emotionally detached from most everything and anything. Sure I walked around with a smile, I laughed and showed joy for others and tried to "be there" but in all honesty I could care less about much of anything but remembering to breathe. First I decided I would pretend it was a dream. So much so that I refused to talk about him, unless it was a bad day and then it was mostly only to Tiffany. She understands what I went through because she was there the entire time. Then and even now I still have a high level of anger at his complete lack of judgement that day he decided to make the jump. For years people got onto him about that, his poor risk management, for years people would try to tell him he was a fatality waiting to happen with his "Hot shot" style of BASE. Although as his jump numbers went up, he was improving. As we supported each other through friends deaths in the sports, and as he settled down with Tiff, he started to calm down and make better choices. Notch Peak was a stupid choice and I know he knew that. Everything went wrong that day. He left his friend when they got separated, and he jumped the wrong wall and multiple other mistakes and yet he still jumped. Notch Peak was his US Mecca. His 400th Jump. His 1st wingsuit BASE. Anger may never go away. Im not sure if I am even trying to make it go away.
So back to yesterday. Woke up, was a bit breathless but okay. Post a facebook status, message LeRoy's facebook page, and then go to call him. I broke down, I had finally a few weeks ago deleted his phone number, along with Shannon's from my phone. I then started watching the song LeRoy wrote and sang for me years ago. Not once, not twice, but on loop for 30 mins just crying. I dug out the pack that I used on the search and pulled out his closing pins. The little pins that would have saved his life. I read the article of the search, that showed his car parked at the base of the mountain, the same place me and Tiffany parked when we went to look for him, and then I thought about the hug Stitch had given me the morning we saw each other before heading to look. I thought about Tiffany laughing so hard she was crying when we pulled away from the Police Officer who I stated "I thought it was a suggestion" when asked if I knew what the speed limit had been, and yet received no ticket. I thought about Les, our hero, and the way he rushed to me when we came off that mountain and held me while I collapsed in pain and grief. The hour drive back from the mountain I tried to be strong for Tiffany, for those that would need me, but with Les I could just cry. I thought about my friends in the film industry who upon learning of the recovery of LeRoys body, arranged to have a friend fly out to drive me back. I thought about the friends of mine who sent Tiffany money to help out with expenses even though they did not know her but because they cared for me and because they knew I worried for her and Jayden. I though about all the the good things and decided that on the one year, no more tears, but instead to stay busy and deal with it today.
I made the right choice. I am better equipped today. However, yesterday, while staying busy I made my first wood project (platform bed) pulled up the carpet, cleaned and painted the walls and then at 230 am...the day after LeRoys one year, I went to bed, and knew that today would be a good day. I hope he watches over all those who love him, I hope I will forever remember all the good that was in my life over those years because of him and I hope I never am so angry at his death that I lose sight of the fact that I am alive and grateful everyday that my stupid things of my youth did not get me before my wisdom showed up (what little I have) arrived. Thank you LeRoy, Shannon, Skinnyshrek, Beezy, Duece, and Tonto for being those people that created such an impression on my heart that I still to this day read emails, or my logbook, just to feel some sort of connection to the past life. The life when I did not look to the sky and think about Ash Dives, but I looked to the sky because there is where we spent some of my most awesome moments that I carry with me daily.
Yesterday was the year mark for LeRoys death, although it took some time to find his body and did not happen until both Tiffany and I arrived in Utah to join the search parties (Although we were not the ones to find him). I wear my heart on my sleeve, I am not scared to show and admit my fears, my loves, and my faults. I think it is those reasons on why I have not handled the deaths of those I choose to be my family very well. When I lived in GA and was still closer to a Wuffo (Someone who says "Wuffo you jump out of them planes?") after an incredible day in which Lee and Beezy (both who are now no longer with us) took me on 3 incredible jumps (including my first fruit loop) about a dozen of us went to a local restaurant. I was sitting next to Chaos Kitty and the conversation got to death in the sport. I had yet to experience this aspect of it. Id felt the friendship, the love, the sense of belonging...all the good things, but not the death. Chaos looked at me and said "Stay in the sport long enough and you will lose someone, it is not a question of if...but when". I believed her of course, and it made me sad to look around the table and realize it could be anyone of us. However I did not fully understand it until we lost Shannon. It was a downward spiral for me as my list of friends turned into a list of people I will never see again. I go back and read my skydiving log book and am very grateful that I have signatures from those now gone.
The year was tough, I had seen and experienced things during the search for my best friend and the recovery of his remains that I would not wish on anyone. I identified his body, I cut the closing pins off the parachute he did not deploy in time (or at all). I became an emotionally detached from most everything and anything. Sure I walked around with a smile, I laughed and showed joy for others and tried to "be there" but in all honesty I could care less about much of anything but remembering to breathe. First I decided I would pretend it was a dream. So much so that I refused to talk about him, unless it was a bad day and then it was mostly only to Tiffany. She understands what I went through because she was there the entire time. Then and even now I still have a high level of anger at his complete lack of judgement that day he decided to make the jump. For years people got onto him about that, his poor risk management, for years people would try to tell him he was a fatality waiting to happen with his "Hot shot" style of BASE. Although as his jump numbers went up, he was improving. As we supported each other through friends deaths in the sports, and as he settled down with Tiff, he started to calm down and make better choices. Notch Peak was a stupid choice and I know he knew that. Everything went wrong that day. He left his friend when they got separated, and he jumped the wrong wall and multiple other mistakes and yet he still jumped. Notch Peak was his US Mecca. His 400th Jump. His 1st wingsuit BASE. Anger may never go away. Im not sure if I am even trying to make it go away.
So back to yesterday. Woke up, was a bit breathless but okay. Post a facebook status, message LeRoy's facebook page, and then go to call him. I broke down, I had finally a few weeks ago deleted his phone number, along with Shannon's from my phone. I then started watching the song LeRoy wrote and sang for me years ago. Not once, not twice, but on loop for 30 mins just crying. I dug out the pack that I used on the search and pulled out his closing pins. The little pins that would have saved his life. I read the article of the search, that showed his car parked at the base of the mountain, the same place me and Tiffany parked when we went to look for him, and then I thought about the hug Stitch had given me the morning we saw each other before heading to look. I thought about Tiffany laughing so hard she was crying when we pulled away from the Police Officer who I stated "I thought it was a suggestion" when asked if I knew what the speed limit had been, and yet received no ticket. I thought about Les, our hero, and the way he rushed to me when we came off that mountain and held me while I collapsed in pain and grief. The hour drive back from the mountain I tried to be strong for Tiffany, for those that would need me, but with Les I could just cry. I thought about my friends in the film industry who upon learning of the recovery of LeRoys body, arranged to have a friend fly out to drive me back. I thought about the friends of mine who sent Tiffany money to help out with expenses even though they did not know her but because they cared for me and because they knew I worried for her and Jayden. I though about all the the good things and decided that on the one year, no more tears, but instead to stay busy and deal with it today.
I made the right choice. I am better equipped today. However, yesterday, while staying busy I made my first wood project (platform bed) pulled up the carpet, cleaned and painted the walls and then at 230 am...the day after LeRoys one year, I went to bed, and knew that today would be a good day. I hope he watches over all those who love him, I hope I will forever remember all the good that was in my life over those years because of him and I hope I never am so angry at his death that I lose sight of the fact that I am alive and grateful everyday that my stupid things of my youth did not get me before my wisdom showed up (what little I have) arrived. Thank you LeRoy, Shannon, Skinnyshrek, Beezy, Duece, and Tonto for being those people that created such an impression on my heart that I still to this day read emails, or my logbook, just to feel some sort of connection to the past life. The life when I did not look to the sky and think about Ash Dives, but I looked to the sky because there is where we spent some of my most awesome moments that I carry with me daily.
Friday, June 11, 2010
Getting there ... My list
4 years ago I vowed to get my passport and become someone with the mindset to travel the world. There have been so many places I have spent my nights dreaming of going. I even have countless times made my plans and priced out how much it would cost me just to help me continue the dreams. So why is this all important and blog worthy for me? Well today I applied for my passport, after spending 4 years telling Froggy I was getting there I finally did it and therefore, although my dreams of travel are still a ways a way, I now have options (well once the passport is returned that is). So now I get to make an offical list of places to visit.
1. China - To meet a certain Froggy and family. The man who reminds me to "Stay Gold" and who I love as if he has always been family, heck love him more then most of my own extended family.
2. England - So my Brother in Law, well ex-Brother in Law can show me the true England. The spots that are for tourists but also the spots that make up a Limeys lifestyle.
3. Africa - Various places there. Pure beauty of the nature, and wild life. Also to meet (hopefully) a few of my South Afrikaan friends (did I spell that right?)There is actually this beach I must go to that I saw in a picture, do not even know where it is at but I will go.
4. Poland - Im Polish...duh
5. Australia - So many ecosystems to experience. This used to be my number 1. I plan to dive the barrier reef, stand at the bottom of Ayers Rock (Its sacred so unlike other Americans I will NOT climb it) and take a walk through the rainforests.
6. Pompaii - Duh , its a wicked awesome history lesson
7. Guyanna - Id actually prefer to go here to help with saving the rainforests, they do water studies there and Id like to be a part of that even if it is only the grunt work.
8. Antartica - Wow , DUH ... plus Id be in a C130, which is my dream plane to be in, more a dream to jump out of it.
There you have it, my list, my offical list...in its mis-spelled glory.
1. China - To meet a certain Froggy and family. The man who reminds me to "Stay Gold" and who I love as if he has always been family, heck love him more then most of my own extended family.
2. England - So my Brother in Law, well ex-Brother in Law can show me the true England. The spots that are for tourists but also the spots that make up a Limeys lifestyle.
3. Africa - Various places there. Pure beauty of the nature, and wild life. Also to meet (hopefully) a few of my South Afrikaan friends (did I spell that right?)There is actually this beach I must go to that I saw in a picture, do not even know where it is at but I will go.
4. Poland - Im Polish...duh
5. Australia - So many ecosystems to experience. This used to be my number 1. I plan to dive the barrier reef, stand at the bottom of Ayers Rock (Its sacred so unlike other Americans I will NOT climb it) and take a walk through the rainforests.
6. Pompaii - Duh , its a wicked awesome history lesson
7. Guyanna - Id actually prefer to go here to help with saving the rainforests, they do water studies there and Id like to be a part of that even if it is only the grunt work.
8. Antartica - Wow , DUH ... plus Id be in a C130, which is my dream plane to be in, more a dream to jump out of it.
There you have it, my list, my offical list...in its mis-spelled glory.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Farewell BASE 1092 ...
I have received some requests for more on "Finding LeRoy" and the things me and Tiffany experienced during everything and here is how the story ends. Tonight, the anger and rage floored me...and then someone told me to listen to "Journey of Magi" by Frank Turner and to pay attention to the lyric "I could have played safe, but in the end the journey's brought joys that out way the pain." Not to sure what happened while listening, and re-listening to this song but I do know that it was then I knew how to end this blog Ive been working on, the blog that has helped me try to make sense of it all...
Since the day LeRoy was missing I have surrounded myself with looking for answers, blaming everyone (But LeRoy) , crying, enraged, hurt, lost, and just about every other emotion possible. I have done what I can to be what he expected of me in case of his death as I hoped he would have had the roles been reversed. All this time I have made sure I stayed busy, sleep was not sought, and if sleep found me, it was brief and uneasy. I kept busy with work, and when work was not available I kept busy trying to write out my thought process and move on to an actual positive process of mourning. Today , after thinking over all the outcomes possible I made some choices. I will not go into them all , I have let those closely involved know the full details but as my farewell I made the following choices and I am standing by them.
1. Not to jump his ashes - I do not have the experience to be in a formation with a tandem on a ash dive. Simple as that, granted there is a much more extensive list of the risk I am not willing to take but at the end of the day I am responsible for my own safety ...and for my own safety I am not taking on a jump that is outside my experience and personal limitations.
2. Not to jump his ashes - Yes part 2 - This is a hobby, and I will not let grief affect a hobby, or a hobby to be done out of guilt and grief. At the end of the day I am responsible for my own personal safety (see a pattern)
3. Not to attend Raeford Ash Dive - I have to take care of myself , so I am productive as a parent, employee, and member of society. Due to everything I have reached my capacity and must focus on things that I can fix or work on. On the first blog, I mentioned how me and Tiffany pulled over and I released his closing pin and said my goodbye. I can not fix this, and I already released him to his favorite place. This ash dive is at a time that I am not in the position to attend, for my health, for my finances, and for my healing. I may always bear the guilt of not releasing the ashes but I am doing what I know needs to be done. Ive taken my first step to productive healing.
After all the thoughts that have gone on, all the guilt of not finding him alive, or making his family and girlfriend better I finally decided to stop punishing myself for him going first. Yes it sucks that he is gone, forever I will think of him often , as I do with Shannon but at the end of the day LeRoy is the only person who was responsible for his actions. He made a choice to solo BASE jump out of his limits. He knew the risks involved and as his best friend I have always been aware of them as well. I wont go over the bullshit "He died doing what he loved"... because yes he loved it, but in reality he died doing something he decided to do in spite of the risks and he died doing something everyone warned him against (the actual jump he died on, he received many warnings to not jump that site for his first wingsuit BASE). Yes those are motivated by the love he had for the sport, but it is a selfish act. Anyone in extreme sports at the end of the day does it because of the love, regardless what the outcome will be and therefore it was a selfish act. I see people in the sports saying they take calculated risks, that they are conservative, they are safe jumpers ...etc but at the end of the day we kid ourselves if we actually believe it or are unable to believe one day it may be us going in.
Hurling yourself at the ground at terminal velocity is dangerous, even doing everything right you can still die , and many have. Yet the freedom the sky allows makes this selfish choice easier on the jumper because if we go in, we aren't left picking up the pieces of the Wuffos in our lives, hearts that were broken. Assuming the risks for yourself is easy, assuming the risk for all those you jump with, shake hands with before exit, party with on the weekends, share skeletons in the closet with, love , laugh, cry with and respect is a totally different ball game.
LeRoy is gone, it is no ones fault but his own and there is nothing we can do to change the events, and each of us chooses to move on in different ways. I accept I cant get a do over, I accept that there were no goodbyes before its to late, and I accept that there is nothing I can do, say, or give to make anyones own healing better. Ive tried to make it easier for others at the risk of my own sanity , I hope I helped in some way, and if I have not I am sorry that in the end I am not the friend he expected of me but in this sport I accept the risks for myself, and jumping his ashes and the potential problems that can ensue are not something I am willing to accept for myself, nor my children and the other Wuffos who may still care for me after this blog entry.
Oh I will jump , but for myself, and on my terms. I also know that when I do, it will be one in which I get to feel freedom, and pure love for the sport and those in it, and until then I will stay grounded.
My heart now I hope will move towards healing, alot of things happened in Utah that made this process harder to start, many things since Utah have slowed things down a bit because it was such a horrible experience for those of us who love him but in time I will see a picture of him and it will be as he lived , and not how he looked after he died. I will smile and laugh at our history, I will be grateful for the time we had and not bitter about the time we did not get. In time I will decide its worth investing in people on a personal level again, even though the one thing that is guaranteed is death (sadly in this sport it often is sooner then one is ready)... In time I will love as free as I have always done. For today though, its one breath at a time. Letting go. Moving forward. Forgiving.
So there you have it, no it may not be the search, the aftermath, the whatever people may have thought it would turn into when complete, but it is just that...The complete story of Finding BASE 1092 as I see and feel it ... In time I will delete these, or move them to a blog that shares similar stuff, such as the sports, those I met in them, and those I lost to them but until such a time I get around to it will remain here. I do not regret my choice to not even attend the memorial. It is not where I am supposed to be, everything happens for a reason. LeRoy did have two poems he wished me to share when he died and they will be read by his girlfriend Tiff and his friend Michael, but I will share them here, they both represent what he wished to place on others hearts in the wake of his death, and I hope that someone can find comfort in these.
"High Flight"
John Gillespie Magee, Jr.
Oh! I have slipped the surly bonds of earth
And danced the skies on laughter-silvered wings;
Sunward I've climbed, and joined the tumbling mirth
Of sun-split clouds - and done a hundred things
You have not dreamed of - wheeled and soared and swung
High in the sunlit silence. Hov'ring there,
I've chased the shouting wind along, and flung
My eager craft through footless halls of air.
Up, up the long, delirious, burning blue
I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace
Where never lark, or even eagle flew -
And, while with silent lifting mind I've trod
The high untrespassed sanctity of space,
Put out my hand and touched the face of God.
AND
Remember those who fall before you
And those to yet fall past
Let them be a reminder too true
That this life happens fast
Watch over us from blue skies
And guard us from black death
Watch o'er us with angel's eyes
And let your soul find rest.
R.I.P LeRoy
Since the day LeRoy was missing I have surrounded myself with looking for answers, blaming everyone (But LeRoy) , crying, enraged, hurt, lost, and just about every other emotion possible. I have done what I can to be what he expected of me in case of his death as I hoped he would have had the roles been reversed. All this time I have made sure I stayed busy, sleep was not sought, and if sleep found me, it was brief and uneasy. I kept busy with work, and when work was not available I kept busy trying to write out my thought process and move on to an actual positive process of mourning. Today , after thinking over all the outcomes possible I made some choices. I will not go into them all , I have let those closely involved know the full details but as my farewell I made the following choices and I am standing by them.
1. Not to jump his ashes - I do not have the experience to be in a formation with a tandem on a ash dive. Simple as that, granted there is a much more extensive list of the risk I am not willing to take but at the end of the day I am responsible for my own safety ...and for my own safety I am not taking on a jump that is outside my experience and personal limitations.
2. Not to jump his ashes - Yes part 2 - This is a hobby, and I will not let grief affect a hobby, or a hobby to be done out of guilt and grief. At the end of the day I am responsible for my own personal safety (see a pattern)
3. Not to attend Raeford Ash Dive - I have to take care of myself , so I am productive as a parent, employee, and member of society. Due to everything I have reached my capacity and must focus on things that I can fix or work on. On the first blog, I mentioned how me and Tiffany pulled over and I released his closing pin and said my goodbye. I can not fix this, and I already released him to his favorite place. This ash dive is at a time that I am not in the position to attend, for my health, for my finances, and for my healing. I may always bear the guilt of not releasing the ashes but I am doing what I know needs to be done. Ive taken my first step to productive healing.
After all the thoughts that have gone on, all the guilt of not finding him alive, or making his family and girlfriend better I finally decided to stop punishing myself for him going first. Yes it sucks that he is gone, forever I will think of him often , as I do with Shannon but at the end of the day LeRoy is the only person who was responsible for his actions. He made a choice to solo BASE jump out of his limits. He knew the risks involved and as his best friend I have always been aware of them as well. I wont go over the bullshit "He died doing what he loved"... because yes he loved it, but in reality he died doing something he decided to do in spite of the risks and he died doing something everyone warned him against (the actual jump he died on, he received many warnings to not jump that site for his first wingsuit BASE). Yes those are motivated by the love he had for the sport, but it is a selfish act. Anyone in extreme sports at the end of the day does it because of the love, regardless what the outcome will be and therefore it was a selfish act. I see people in the sports saying they take calculated risks, that they are conservative, they are safe jumpers ...etc but at the end of the day we kid ourselves if we actually believe it or are unable to believe one day it may be us going in.
Hurling yourself at the ground at terminal velocity is dangerous, even doing everything right you can still die , and many have. Yet the freedom the sky allows makes this selfish choice easier on the jumper because if we go in, we aren't left picking up the pieces of the Wuffos in our lives, hearts that were broken. Assuming the risks for yourself is easy, assuming the risk for all those you jump with, shake hands with before exit, party with on the weekends, share skeletons in the closet with, love , laugh, cry with and respect is a totally different ball game.
LeRoy is gone, it is no ones fault but his own and there is nothing we can do to change the events, and each of us chooses to move on in different ways. I accept I cant get a do over, I accept that there were no goodbyes before its to late, and I accept that there is nothing I can do, say, or give to make anyones own healing better. Ive tried to make it easier for others at the risk of my own sanity , I hope I helped in some way, and if I have not I am sorry that in the end I am not the friend he expected of me but in this sport I accept the risks for myself, and jumping his ashes and the potential problems that can ensue are not something I am willing to accept for myself, nor my children and the other Wuffos who may still care for me after this blog entry.
Oh I will jump , but for myself, and on my terms. I also know that when I do, it will be one in which I get to feel freedom, and pure love for the sport and those in it, and until then I will stay grounded.
My heart now I hope will move towards healing, alot of things happened in Utah that made this process harder to start, many things since Utah have slowed things down a bit because it was such a horrible experience for those of us who love him but in time I will see a picture of him and it will be as he lived , and not how he looked after he died. I will smile and laugh at our history, I will be grateful for the time we had and not bitter about the time we did not get. In time I will decide its worth investing in people on a personal level again, even though the one thing that is guaranteed is death (sadly in this sport it often is sooner then one is ready)... In time I will love as free as I have always done. For today though, its one breath at a time. Letting go. Moving forward. Forgiving.
So there you have it, no it may not be the search, the aftermath, the whatever people may have thought it would turn into when complete, but it is just that...The complete story of Finding BASE 1092 as I see and feel it ... In time I will delete these, or move them to a blog that shares similar stuff, such as the sports, those I met in them, and those I lost to them but until such a time I get around to it will remain here. I do not regret my choice to not even attend the memorial. It is not where I am supposed to be, everything happens for a reason. LeRoy did have two poems he wished me to share when he died and they will be read by his girlfriend Tiff and his friend Michael, but I will share them here, they both represent what he wished to place on others hearts in the wake of his death, and I hope that someone can find comfort in these.
"High Flight"
John Gillespie Magee, Jr.
Oh! I have slipped the surly bonds of earth
And danced the skies on laughter-silvered wings;
Sunward I've climbed, and joined the tumbling mirth
Of sun-split clouds - and done a hundred things
You have not dreamed of - wheeled and soared and swung
High in the sunlit silence. Hov'ring there,
I've chased the shouting wind along, and flung
My eager craft through footless halls of air.
Up, up the long, delirious, burning blue
I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace
Where never lark, or even eagle flew -
And, while with silent lifting mind I've trod
The high untrespassed sanctity of space,
Put out my hand and touched the face of God.
AND
Remember those who fall before you
And those to yet fall past
Let them be a reminder too true
That this life happens fast
Watch over us from blue skies
And guard us from black death
Watch o'er us with angel's eyes
And let your soul find rest.
R.I.P LeRoy
Sunday, October 18, 2009
What a ride its been...
(Click for larger image)
Look, my first time making a movie poster... Cool huh ? A little over a year in the business and I have been rather blessed to deal with great production and casting companies that have helped me to live dreams I never realized I had. Next step is to get my picture on it... however if you look at the bottom of the movie poster you will see my name next to "Also starring" . This movie that I am a supporting on, premieres at "The Alamo Drafthouse Westlakes" movie theater, Nov 8th at 7 pm. If you are able to come see.
Additionally some of the stuff I have done is now alvailable on netflixs... to add to you queue click http://www.netflix.com/Movie/Serial_Rabbit_3_Splitting_Hares/70126993?lnkctr=srchrd-sr&strkid=2136440663_0_0&strackid=21aa024b6341bd2d_0_srl%0A
To order movies I have been in with Ponderous please go to www.ponderousproductions.com , scroll halfway down the page to the section that says "Films by Ponderous Productions" I am in the following
"The Desert Rose" - First movie role ever - Speaking part - Radiation Victim
"Return To Innocence" - Small role - Voice Over for the Voice mail
"Serial Rabbit - Splitting Hares" - Supporting Role - Dominatrix Librarian
"Green" - Small supporting - Uber Bitch
"Before The Night" - Supporting (This is the one for the movie poster) for the trailer see http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b-mMd1A7_2w and for an extended teaser please see
For some things that are available to view online, and produced by Irony Coast Productions
1. Amazon.com - Alphabet - Cody is also in this one, I co-wrote this with Dinky who is an amazing writer , Irony Coast made it into the top 50 for this contest. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VEMeEWiAW0c
2. Amazon.com - Guess - This one was my favorite ... Vic did amazing with the talking box and editting ... Leia is also in this one. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0VS4Qe7u_DY&NR=1
3. Post it note- Cat 5 - I am at the end, along with my puppy and Froggys skydiving rig http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iLMaJLsIjyM&feature=related
4. Cops and Gobblers - I co-wrote this with Vic, it was also my first time directing. Starring Josie Kline and Ben C. Johnson , Matthew Jasso , Dinky BonVillian , Joe Griggs and Leia as Production , Vic as counsel , Editor , and all around lifesaver. And a huge thank you to Monty Python and his inspiration for some of the written words ... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H56qy29oygo&feature=related
5. Me and Leia also did a waterpark commercial for Splashtown, which can be found here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P7-pOuUxeto
6. And last but not least, here is my voice over from the award winning short "Duplex" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DHj7g4-TyDg&feature=player_profilepage
And as always , please check out my website www.lisamariekull.com and my imdb http://www.imdb.com/name/nm3326279/ for head shots, film stills, and resume.
Now that I have taken up alot of your time I shall end this with a huge thanks to and for everyones continued support.
Lisa Marie Kull
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Part Two ... Finding BASE 1092 ... The Search
This is part two , if you have not read part one then please read that first or not, either way I am writing this for me and as a healing process. After the total nervous breakdown that was building up, Roger from Delta Sheriff Dept seemed to get the word out that it was becoming un-wise to call us. I had been driving so long that it took everything I had to stay awake. We start seeing signs for Delta and going along with the possible AWOL theory we spend more time scanning for hiding places, or some sign that LeRoy was near then we did on the road. Yes smart considering the state I was in. A good friend made sure there was a hotel room ready for us when we arrived, but sleep was the last thing on our mind. We were due to meet our hero Les at 6 pm, which gave us about 30 mins to get ready a bit and leave our room. Me and Tiff already established that we would NOT meet with the Sheriff today if we could avoid him. Granted we were worried that the size of the town would make that difficult. We had plans to do what we needed to do , to bring LeRoy home and that was our only concern. We did not want to hear the bullshit Decker was passing around.
We head to the Rancher to meet with Les, and I must say , the first comforting and safe moment we felt was seeing this man who has been our lifeline to the search and hugging him was a breath of fresh air. Sitting in what became "our booth" and talking with Les and his lovely wife made things seem more real...we may find him alive...we may find him dead but WE WILL FIND HIM. Les is a very brilliant man and we decide to go over all the theories. If LeRoy went AWOL what would he do? Where would he hide out? Would he stick close to town waiting for a chance to come out? We decide to go with this theory. We write his nickname on my rear window and when we separate from Les and we scour the town for hiding places. We see all types of places LeRoy could choose to stay during the day , and we are hopeful. So hopeful in fact that we are back to smiling and laughing. We decide to head to the hotel and get some sleep, for tomorrow we head to the mountain to search for him. At the hotel sleep eluded us for a bit, Tiff finally got to have a long conversation with LeRoy's favorite Aunt Lisa and I got to get online and try to catch up with stuff. Tiff was setting her alarm at about 10 pm and actually fell asleep while doing that. I followed soon after. Night terrors kept her from having anything solid but anything is better then the nothing we have had up to this point.
We wake up, Tiff has fresh clothes, I do not, but yay for showers. We wake up rather early, we had to go see Sheriff Decker to get the details on the tow for LeRoy's car and to find out about the search. We go over what we are NOT going to say , which is mostly that we plan to search today and that we think he is a dick head. We get to the station and are led back. The Sheriff asks us "So what do you need to know?" , and right off the bat, I jump into bad territory by jumping his ass for calling off the search for a man, including the helicopters that were coming in. And he IGNORES me, thats right folks, he ignores my questions and turns to Tiff and starts talking about the tow bill. After some time he warms back up to me and we stress that IF he went AWOL something is wrong mentally and he is a in danger and that we have to find him. He makes a phone call and gets the helicopter on it's way, then we take two steps back when I ask for more information on the lie detector test... Sheriff Decker flat out says to me and Tiffany "I lied about him failing the test". Im so stunned that I can not even talk, and I think I stopped breathing for just a moment. He lied about one of my friends that has helped me get through Shannons death and I was going to need to help get through the eventual outcome of LeRoys death. All this anger I felt towards a friend vanished and I feel foolish. We finish up with the Sheriff as he has to go meet the helicopter and we head to the Rancher to eat before going to the peak.
At our booth , me and Tiff find it in us to eat a huge and awesome meal. The food at this place is heaven, everythings fried and huge servings. We go over our plan, and call Les to let him know exactly what we are going to do and where we are going. We decide that LeRoy is alive and we plan to check the caves and mines. We know we are planning to do things that are not wise but we felt that if he was alive he would hide out in a cave and wait till things smoothed over and we needed someone to know what we planned just in case we got lost, or hurt. Les tried to talk us out of it, but I know enough about what I am doing to go against his wishes. As we are walking out I see Stitch in the parking lot, ohhhh my Stitch, he starts walking faster and we meet in the middle for a much needed hug on both sides. His voice is filled with tears he can't allow out and my tears explode and I apologize over and over again for my anger towards him and tell him everything the Sheriff told us. We all, Stitch, Tiff, Brenda (LeRoys Mom) and her friends plan to go to the base camp and so we start to load up. I brought Tiff's gear because I had multiple everything and I start explaining safety, gear, and well everything I can to her.
To Be Continued ... my heart is to heavy to go on from here. Please check back for more later.
We head to the Rancher to meet with Les, and I must say , the first comforting and safe moment we felt was seeing this man who has been our lifeline to the search and hugging him was a breath of fresh air. Sitting in what became "our booth" and talking with Les and his lovely wife made things seem more real...we may find him alive...we may find him dead but WE WILL FIND HIM. Les is a very brilliant man and we decide to go over all the theories. If LeRoy went AWOL what would he do? Where would he hide out? Would he stick close to town waiting for a chance to come out? We decide to go with this theory. We write his nickname on my rear window and when we separate from Les and we scour the town for hiding places. We see all types of places LeRoy could choose to stay during the day , and we are hopeful. So hopeful in fact that we are back to smiling and laughing. We decide to head to the hotel and get some sleep, for tomorrow we head to the mountain to search for him. At the hotel sleep eluded us for a bit, Tiff finally got to have a long conversation with LeRoy's favorite Aunt Lisa and I got to get online and try to catch up with stuff. Tiff was setting her alarm at about 10 pm and actually fell asleep while doing that. I followed soon after. Night terrors kept her from having anything solid but anything is better then the nothing we have had up to this point.
We wake up, Tiff has fresh clothes, I do not, but yay for showers. We wake up rather early, we had to go see Sheriff Decker to get the details on the tow for LeRoy's car and to find out about the search. We go over what we are NOT going to say , which is mostly that we plan to search today and that we think he is a dick head. We get to the station and are led back. The Sheriff asks us "So what do you need to know?" , and right off the bat, I jump into bad territory by jumping his ass for calling off the search for a man, including the helicopters that were coming in. And he IGNORES me, thats right folks, he ignores my questions and turns to Tiff and starts talking about the tow bill. After some time he warms back up to me and we stress that IF he went AWOL something is wrong mentally and he is a in danger and that we have to find him. He makes a phone call and gets the helicopter on it's way, then we take two steps back when I ask for more information on the lie detector test... Sheriff Decker flat out says to me and Tiffany "I lied about him failing the test". Im so stunned that I can not even talk, and I think I stopped breathing for just a moment. He lied about one of my friends that has helped me get through Shannons death and I was going to need to help get through the eventual outcome of LeRoys death. All this anger I felt towards a friend vanished and I feel foolish. We finish up with the Sheriff as he has to go meet the helicopter and we head to the Rancher to eat before going to the peak.
At our booth , me and Tiff find it in us to eat a huge and awesome meal. The food at this place is heaven, everythings fried and huge servings. We go over our plan, and call Les to let him know exactly what we are going to do and where we are going. We decide that LeRoy is alive and we plan to check the caves and mines. We know we are planning to do things that are not wise but we felt that if he was alive he would hide out in a cave and wait till things smoothed over and we needed someone to know what we planned just in case we got lost, or hurt. Les tried to talk us out of it, but I know enough about what I am doing to go against his wishes. As we are walking out I see Stitch in the parking lot, ohhhh my Stitch, he starts walking faster and we meet in the middle for a much needed hug on both sides. His voice is filled with tears he can't allow out and my tears explode and I apologize over and over again for my anger towards him and tell him everything the Sheriff told us. We all, Stitch, Tiff, Brenda (LeRoys Mom) and her friends plan to go to the base camp and so we start to load up. I brought Tiff's gear because I had multiple everything and I start explaining safety, gear, and well everything I can to her.
To Be Continued ... my heart is to heavy to go on from here. Please check back for more later.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Finding BASE 1092... A Story of love, life and death.
Sometimes it is often hard knowing exactly where to start with these blogs. What I do know is that I find writing to be somewhat therapeutic and for now that is what I will need. The background info that is needed is that my friend LeRoy went missing Wednesday September 9th, 2009. Over the next few days I tried to be patient and wait till he was found in the mountains of Utah but in the end, this story begins with the Austin Airport.
September 15th 2009 - LeRoys girlfriend Tiffany is set to fly in at 5 p.m and then we are off to Utah to search for him. We all have been told we have no business going, and I completely agree with them , but the fact remains that if the conditions were reversed I like to think he would come search and bring me home. Due to never meeting before , things are a bit awkward , we only have heard of each other at this point and it was like grasping at straws to find things to talk about. Tiffany can not drive a stick shift so we knew that it was my job to drive the entire way and her job to keep me awake. It was not long into the trip that we realized this was un-real. Anyone who knows me , knows that I get into more mis-adventures then adventures but from the start this was just to ridiculous to believe. That being said I have a witness and she can confirm that I do not even need to exaggerate this story to make it funny or unbelievable.
Bathroom break and gas stop 1 - Gas station is closed but we are able to pay at the pump. I had to go to the bathroom badly so I decided to go behind the station. This is where picture 1 and 2 come from, the station we stopped at, and the cactus I fell on. Not to mention I swear I heard banjo music as I was finishing up. Since another reason we were stopping was to charge our cell phones we were there for awhile. The whole time kinda freaking out about the huge insects dive bombing us, and that is picture 3.
11:45 p.m. Tiffany's cell phone rings, I could tell from the start it was not a good call. After a few minutes I can tell it is Sheriff Decker and the one line I heard with my own ears will forever stick with me. He said "You will just have to come to realize that LeRoy had violent tendencies and planned this all along". At this point I call my friend in Delta (well he became a friend but leaving his name out of the blog if I can) and I asked if he heard any news. I relayed what I had heard and within minutes Tiffany got off the phone. I asked what was going on. At this point LeRoy was missing 8 days, and there had been minor speculation that he went AWOL from the Army. No one that knew him believed it but it is this fact that gave us hope. Soon before Sheriff Decker of the Delta Sheriffs Dept called Tiff, a young man had been hijacked and assaulted , the Sheriff shows the kid a picture, just one picture of LeRoy and asks "Was this the man who attacked you?" and he answered yes. The next day the search was to resume and a helicopter brought back in. Due to this and the Sheriff saying "100% sure it was LeRoy who attacked the kid" he called the search off and informed our BASE jumpers already there and looking that the search was off. It was about this time that both our cell phones started to die again and well then they died...
September 16th , 2009 - 12:20 a.m. - We are driving trying to find a place to charge the phones again when I look behind me and see flashing red and blue lights. The following is the conversation that took place between me and Tiffany...
Me - Shit, are those for me?
Tiffany - Were the only ones on the road so I guess so.
Me - Crap I lost my licence after my last ticket...what do I say?
Tiffany - Pretend to look for it then ask if he can look it up.
So the officer pulls up and this exchange happens...
Him - Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me - I was speeding and or driving erratic.
Him - License or registration...
Me - Looked for a bit for my D.L then stated , I got pulled over a few weeks ago cause of my registration so I know its valid, but I do not have it on me, can you look it up?
Me and Tiffany then proceeded to tell him the previous weeks story in 2 mins flat and that we were trying to get to a gas station. The look on this poor mans face as we blurted out our excuse on why I was speeding was priceless and the poor man stated he was going to call and check out our story. When he came back this was the conversation that ensued
Him - Well I pulled you over because you were going 77 in a 65...
Me - Schew , I thought I was going 80
Him - None the less, you were speeding.
Me - I thought that was a suggestion
Tiffany - *choke*
Him - *Handing me a warning* Im just giving you a warning but you need to slow down
Me - So when I get pulled over next time , can I just give him the warning letter instead so he wont have to look up my license number?
Him - I wouldnt suggest you show another trooper the warning I just gave you
Tiffany - Busted out laughing
Him - Shaking his head
Me - Uhhh you can't have my warning back, I promise I wont speed again in Texas.
Yes this really happened as I told it. Just ask Tiff. I also did not speed the rest of the trip. I learned that lesson, and was very lucky.
To Be Continued ...
So we are off, we are heading to a open (yes cause apparently there are no open ones at night really) gas station to find a charger, and some 5 hour energy ( In the 26 hour drive I ended up downing 3 5 hour and 2 7 hour energy shots) for the drive. The trooper was right and the exit he pointed us to had a all night truck stop. We go in and I see one of my favorite things in the world ... a garden Gnome. He was wicked pricey so I took just a picture to last me. The Gnome is picture 4 on the facebook album. So back to the gas station. We take an incredible amount of time finding things we need and get back in the car. Nothing to amazing or weird happened here but Tiffany did almost get carried away by a group of people that decided they wanted to be in her bubble. A bit creepy if ya ask me. We start taking turns charging our cell phones, simply to receive phone call after phone call of often conflicting reports.
At times I would call David, to complain of the drive, or to cry of why I was taking this trip, and every time I had a new story to tell him. Although he was not there physically he spent the drive there in spirit. One such time he happened to be talking, I see the signs in New Mexico stating that I have to stop for Border Patrol...UMMM WHAT? So I in haste tell David I have to go, because I may have gotten lost and ended up in Mexico which would add major time to our trip. So here we are, traveling 25 mph down a very long entrance to the Border and Tiffany is laughing hysterically and Im going off on a tangent about "Leave it to me to travel to Utah and end up across the border...". Finally we reach the station and there we see it, two men and a big mean looking but well behaved dog. Before they speak I state "PLEASE PLEASE tell me I am NOT in Mexico?". Both men laugh and state that I am not, that this is a check point and proceeded to ask if we were U.S. Citizens. I gave a hell ya, and proud and we were on our way.
It was through these minor funny moments we remained sane during the drive. No one can live on sorrow all the time. It did not take much to make us bust out laughing by this point. Everything was weird, everything we were going through was rather scary, and there were so many questions that hung in the air. Through out the early morning , before the sun came out, me and Tiff came up with possible reasons behind what the Sheriff had told us. We debunked it, then realized WAIT...this is HOPE. If LeRoy is alive everything else can be fixed. So we started to go with this new theory, after all we had heard it already for hours, and a Sheriff would not be 100% sure without being 100% sure ....right? (Granted most of the accused get a fair trial before being convicted but hey THIS means he may be alive).
Then something beautiful happens, the sun comes out. And the very first sight I see are represented in pictures 5 and 6 ... All I can feel or think is "Wow". At approx 8 a.m this all slowly changes. I call to see if the search party plans to head out. After all , the Sheriff can't say who can go hiking in that mountain. It belongs to the people. People like us. People on the search party. However, the Sheriff still feels the assault was committed by LeRoy and therefore , he called off the Helicopter, and the SAR, and I am pissed. We are losing our search party because the Sheriff is "suspicious" about this assault happening and those that came to help search and our timing in regards to everything. We still have a good 10 hours worth of driving and I am depleted of energy and my stress level and broken heart is becoming an empty heart. I remain as strong as I can because I know Tiff will feed off any negative energy I give out and my whole job in this , at that moment was to get to Delta, and be there for her. I see a turn off for a "Scenic Area" and decide we will stop and ignore our phones for just a moment. Talk about disappointing, our scenic area was literally empty , broken and very smelly chicken coops as seen in picture # 7. Then finally we come upon picture 8, Earth has a nipple, and thats the proof so yes I took a picture and yes I giggled.
Now mind you this whole time, since the sun rose, the calls did not stop. One second we were finding out more "stories" which I wont put on here due to the Sheriff admitting he was lying about them, as well as conflicting things depending on who he talked to and how soon after they got ahold of Tiffany or myself. It was getting to the point I could not handle it. Our search team was leaving , we were about to arrive and I had not slept but 3 hours in almost 36 hours and I was approaching my breaking point. I broke when we got the phone call stating that there now is evidence that suggests there may be another suspect. Not only that, but since it is hunting season , there potentially is little reason to feel that LeRoy should have been the ONLY suspect. By now we are at Moab , and service is shotty, so I pull over at "Hole in the Wall" ...pics 9 and 10. While Tiff is finding out more information I call the dispatch for the Sheriffs department and explain to them that in the past 12 hours we have gone from him being a missing person, to him being a felon, to him maybe not being a felon, to him being maybe out there alive, or dead. I explain in a rather persistent tone that I have been driving for a day, and still have several more hours to go and at this point unless they have him alive or his body to not call us with speculation.
This is the point I broke down, after hanging up with the dispatch, I find out from Tiffany its still a high chance it is LeRoy. Then it hits me, if what they say is true, this man who I have loved as my friend since my AFF training, was not who I thought he was. If what they say is true, LeRoy sat in the mountains for 8 days, and not once did the thought of his family or friends make him change his mind on "feigning death" nope , not if we listen to the Sheriff, but instead encouraged him to make his way 25 miles towards town and not only hijack and kidnap a person, but beat him as well. If Sheriff Decker was right, I lost not only one of my best friends, but I did not know him, the integrity and the character I have felt in my heart and mind for years was all a lie. This led me to realize just how vulnerable I was, the pain of the realization the Sheriff led us to have showed me just how weak I was. How easy it was to be fooled without warning. How easy I gave of my heart, as if everyone who was exposed to it had good intentions. I succumbed to what Sheriff Decker said, and he sentenced me to life. Although we later find out that things were sketchy and that yes he flat out lied to us , he still sentenced me to a life with less trust. Here I was spending money and time I did not have to find a man the Sheriff thinks tried to go AWOL , and then committed a felony. I felt betrayed in the worst way. I went to Utah because in my soul I realized I had to be there, because we were going to bring him home even if only for closure and to put his body to rest. Years of conversations, a lie. Years of love and friendship, a ruse. Years of trust and confidence, misplaced. I cried harder that moment then I have ever cried in my life. Tiffany, as if on cue let me get it out, as I had been throughout the time giving her such time. The sad part is, that even though these feelings were based on the lies of someone who swears to protect and serve, it still is what we went through. As I calmed , I made the biggest decision thus far, and possibly for personal reasons the biggest decision I could make for the whole trip.
To Be Continued...
As we drove I thought of my choice in what I was about to do and realized that if I went through with it, that I was in essence saying goodbye to LeRoy regardless of how things turn out. And then I see it, and decide to follow through. I was about to cut away, which is a skydiver term, and for the first time ever I actually put it in effect. I pull over and I take off the necklace LeRoy made for me so many years ago, and I tell her that right now I am saying good bye to what I feel and moving forward with not so heavy of a heart. LeRoy gave me the closing pin necklace and I in turn want to give it back. The only way I knew how , at that moment, to put me at peace was to say my peace to him. If he was alive, dead, or indefinitely missing, from that moment on the piece of him I wore on my neck since he went missing was going home. Pictures 11 and 12 show where I said my words to him and I said them to Tiffany. I handed her the necklace and told her "I still will always have hope, but as he gave this to me so many years ago, I am now passing it on to you and together we will give it to the place that will forever hold a part of our souls". She asked me if I should wait until we went to the peak and I explained that LeRoy is not on that peak for me, he is here , now, telling me to let go enough to move forward. With that she held the necklace to her heart, and threw it. I will never regret this moment. I stayed true to myself and from that moment forward , although hard, moved forward. It is in that vast land that I found BASE 1092, LeRoy D. Buckley. We have not brought him home but we did find him. In our hearts , in choosing to press forward, to remain a bit hopeful, to move on yet feel betrayal if he was who the Sheriff said he was. We found him, and no one could take that from us. Unconditional love , Tiff and I, for it is the journey we took together and the path that LeRoy has led us on.
When time allows I shall share more of this trip. There are still so many things I have not been able to share with anyone but Tiffany. There is one constant in my story, she was by my side every step of the way...
September 15th 2009 - LeRoys girlfriend Tiffany is set to fly in at 5 p.m and then we are off to Utah to search for him. We all have been told we have no business going, and I completely agree with them , but the fact remains that if the conditions were reversed I like to think he would come search and bring me home. Due to never meeting before , things are a bit awkward , we only have heard of each other at this point and it was like grasping at straws to find things to talk about. Tiffany can not drive a stick shift so we knew that it was my job to drive the entire way and her job to keep me awake. It was not long into the trip that we realized this was un-real. Anyone who knows me , knows that I get into more mis-adventures then adventures but from the start this was just to ridiculous to believe. That being said I have a witness and she can confirm that I do not even need to exaggerate this story to make it funny or unbelievable.
Bathroom break and gas stop 1 - Gas station is closed but we are able to pay at the pump. I had to go to the bathroom badly so I decided to go behind the station. This is where picture 1 and 2 come from, the station we stopped at, and the cactus I fell on. Not to mention I swear I heard banjo music as I was finishing up. Since another reason we were stopping was to charge our cell phones we were there for awhile. The whole time kinda freaking out about the huge insects dive bombing us, and that is picture 3.
11:45 p.m. Tiffany's cell phone rings, I could tell from the start it was not a good call. After a few minutes I can tell it is Sheriff Decker and the one line I heard with my own ears will forever stick with me. He said "You will just have to come to realize that LeRoy had violent tendencies and planned this all along". At this point I call my friend in Delta (well he became a friend but leaving his name out of the blog if I can) and I asked if he heard any news. I relayed what I had heard and within minutes Tiffany got off the phone. I asked what was going on. At this point LeRoy was missing 8 days, and there had been minor speculation that he went AWOL from the Army. No one that knew him believed it but it is this fact that gave us hope. Soon before Sheriff Decker of the Delta Sheriffs Dept called Tiff, a young man had been hijacked and assaulted , the Sheriff shows the kid a picture, just one picture of LeRoy and asks "Was this the man who attacked you?" and he answered yes. The next day the search was to resume and a helicopter brought back in. Due to this and the Sheriff saying "100% sure it was LeRoy who attacked the kid" he called the search off and informed our BASE jumpers already there and looking that the search was off. It was about this time that both our cell phones started to die again and well then they died...
September 16th , 2009 - 12:20 a.m. - We are driving trying to find a place to charge the phones again when I look behind me and see flashing red and blue lights. The following is the conversation that took place between me and Tiffany...
Me - Shit, are those for me?
Tiffany - Were the only ones on the road so I guess so.
Me - Crap I lost my licence after my last ticket...what do I say?
Tiffany - Pretend to look for it then ask if he can look it up.
So the officer pulls up and this exchange happens...
Him - Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me - I was speeding and or driving erratic.
Him - License or registration...
Me - Looked for a bit for my D.L then stated , I got pulled over a few weeks ago cause of my registration so I know its valid, but I do not have it on me, can you look it up?
Me and Tiffany then proceeded to tell him the previous weeks story in 2 mins flat and that we were trying to get to a gas station. The look on this poor mans face as we blurted out our excuse on why I was speeding was priceless and the poor man stated he was going to call and check out our story. When he came back this was the conversation that ensued
Him - Well I pulled you over because you were going 77 in a 65...
Me - Schew , I thought I was going 80
Him - None the less, you were speeding.
Me - I thought that was a suggestion
Tiffany - *choke*
Him - *Handing me a warning* Im just giving you a warning but you need to slow down
Me - So when I get pulled over next time , can I just give him the warning letter instead so he wont have to look up my license number?
Him - I wouldnt suggest you show another trooper the warning I just gave you
Tiffany - Busted out laughing
Him - Shaking his head
Me - Uhhh you can't have my warning back, I promise I wont speed again in Texas.
Yes this really happened as I told it. Just ask Tiff. I also did not speed the rest of the trip. I learned that lesson, and was very lucky.
To Be Continued ...
So we are off, we are heading to a open (yes cause apparently there are no open ones at night really) gas station to find a charger, and some 5 hour energy ( In the 26 hour drive I ended up downing 3 5 hour and 2 7 hour energy shots) for the drive. The trooper was right and the exit he pointed us to had a all night truck stop. We go in and I see one of my favorite things in the world ... a garden Gnome. He was wicked pricey so I took just a picture to last me. The Gnome is picture 4 on the facebook album. So back to the gas station. We take an incredible amount of time finding things we need and get back in the car. Nothing to amazing or weird happened here but Tiffany did almost get carried away by a group of people that decided they wanted to be in her bubble. A bit creepy if ya ask me. We start taking turns charging our cell phones, simply to receive phone call after phone call of often conflicting reports.
At times I would call David, to complain of the drive, or to cry of why I was taking this trip, and every time I had a new story to tell him. Although he was not there physically he spent the drive there in spirit. One such time he happened to be talking, I see the signs in New Mexico stating that I have to stop for Border Patrol...UMMM WHAT? So I in haste tell David I have to go, because I may have gotten lost and ended up in Mexico which would add major time to our trip. So here we are, traveling 25 mph down a very long entrance to the Border and Tiffany is laughing hysterically and Im going off on a tangent about "Leave it to me to travel to Utah and end up across the border...". Finally we reach the station and there we see it, two men and a big mean looking but well behaved dog. Before they speak I state "PLEASE PLEASE tell me I am NOT in Mexico?". Both men laugh and state that I am not, that this is a check point and proceeded to ask if we were U.S. Citizens. I gave a hell ya, and proud and we were on our way.
It was through these minor funny moments we remained sane during the drive. No one can live on sorrow all the time. It did not take much to make us bust out laughing by this point. Everything was weird, everything we were going through was rather scary, and there were so many questions that hung in the air. Through out the early morning , before the sun came out, me and Tiff came up with possible reasons behind what the Sheriff had told us. We debunked it, then realized WAIT...this is HOPE. If LeRoy is alive everything else can be fixed. So we started to go with this new theory, after all we had heard it already for hours, and a Sheriff would not be 100% sure without being 100% sure ....right? (Granted most of the accused get a fair trial before being convicted but hey THIS means he may be alive).
Then something beautiful happens, the sun comes out. And the very first sight I see are represented in pictures 5 and 6 ... All I can feel or think is "Wow". At approx 8 a.m this all slowly changes. I call to see if the search party plans to head out. After all , the Sheriff can't say who can go hiking in that mountain. It belongs to the people. People like us. People on the search party. However, the Sheriff still feels the assault was committed by LeRoy and therefore , he called off the Helicopter, and the SAR, and I am pissed. We are losing our search party because the Sheriff is "suspicious" about this assault happening and those that came to help search and our timing in regards to everything. We still have a good 10 hours worth of driving and I am depleted of energy and my stress level and broken heart is becoming an empty heart. I remain as strong as I can because I know Tiff will feed off any negative energy I give out and my whole job in this , at that moment was to get to Delta, and be there for her. I see a turn off for a "Scenic Area" and decide we will stop and ignore our phones for just a moment. Talk about disappointing, our scenic area was literally empty , broken and very smelly chicken coops as seen in picture # 7. Then finally we come upon picture 8, Earth has a nipple, and thats the proof so yes I took a picture and yes I giggled.
Now mind you this whole time, since the sun rose, the calls did not stop. One second we were finding out more "stories" which I wont put on here due to the Sheriff admitting he was lying about them, as well as conflicting things depending on who he talked to and how soon after they got ahold of Tiffany or myself. It was getting to the point I could not handle it. Our search team was leaving , we were about to arrive and I had not slept but 3 hours in almost 36 hours and I was approaching my breaking point. I broke when we got the phone call stating that there now is evidence that suggests there may be another suspect. Not only that, but since it is hunting season , there potentially is little reason to feel that LeRoy should have been the ONLY suspect. By now we are at Moab , and service is shotty, so I pull over at "Hole in the Wall" ...pics 9 and 10. While Tiff is finding out more information I call the dispatch for the Sheriffs department and explain to them that in the past 12 hours we have gone from him being a missing person, to him being a felon, to him maybe not being a felon, to him being maybe out there alive, or dead. I explain in a rather persistent tone that I have been driving for a day, and still have several more hours to go and at this point unless they have him alive or his body to not call us with speculation.
This is the point I broke down, after hanging up with the dispatch, I find out from Tiffany its still a high chance it is LeRoy. Then it hits me, if what they say is true, this man who I have loved as my friend since my AFF training, was not who I thought he was. If what they say is true, LeRoy sat in the mountains for 8 days, and not once did the thought of his family or friends make him change his mind on "feigning death" nope , not if we listen to the Sheriff, but instead encouraged him to make his way 25 miles towards town and not only hijack and kidnap a person, but beat him as well. If Sheriff Decker was right, I lost not only one of my best friends, but I did not know him, the integrity and the character I have felt in my heart and mind for years was all a lie. This led me to realize just how vulnerable I was, the pain of the realization the Sheriff led us to have showed me just how weak I was. How easy it was to be fooled without warning. How easy I gave of my heart, as if everyone who was exposed to it had good intentions. I succumbed to what Sheriff Decker said, and he sentenced me to life. Although we later find out that things were sketchy and that yes he flat out lied to us , he still sentenced me to a life with less trust. Here I was spending money and time I did not have to find a man the Sheriff thinks tried to go AWOL , and then committed a felony. I felt betrayed in the worst way. I went to Utah because in my soul I realized I had to be there, because we were going to bring him home even if only for closure and to put his body to rest. Years of conversations, a lie. Years of love and friendship, a ruse. Years of trust and confidence, misplaced. I cried harder that moment then I have ever cried in my life. Tiffany, as if on cue let me get it out, as I had been throughout the time giving her such time. The sad part is, that even though these feelings were based on the lies of someone who swears to protect and serve, it still is what we went through. As I calmed , I made the biggest decision thus far, and possibly for personal reasons the biggest decision I could make for the whole trip.
To Be Continued...
As we drove I thought of my choice in what I was about to do and realized that if I went through with it, that I was in essence saying goodbye to LeRoy regardless of how things turn out. And then I see it, and decide to follow through. I was about to cut away, which is a skydiver term, and for the first time ever I actually put it in effect. I pull over and I take off the necklace LeRoy made for me so many years ago, and I tell her that right now I am saying good bye to what I feel and moving forward with not so heavy of a heart. LeRoy gave me the closing pin necklace and I in turn want to give it back. The only way I knew how , at that moment, to put me at peace was to say my peace to him. If he was alive, dead, or indefinitely missing, from that moment on the piece of him I wore on my neck since he went missing was going home. Pictures 11 and 12 show where I said my words to him and I said them to Tiffany. I handed her the necklace and told her "I still will always have hope, but as he gave this to me so many years ago, I am now passing it on to you and together we will give it to the place that will forever hold a part of our souls". She asked me if I should wait until we went to the peak and I explained that LeRoy is not on that peak for me, he is here , now, telling me to let go enough to move forward. With that she held the necklace to her heart, and threw it. I will never regret this moment. I stayed true to myself and from that moment forward , although hard, moved forward. It is in that vast land that I found BASE 1092, LeRoy D. Buckley. We have not brought him home but we did find him. In our hearts , in choosing to press forward, to remain a bit hopeful, to move on yet feel betrayal if he was who the Sheriff said he was. We found him, and no one could take that from us. Unconditional love , Tiff and I, for it is the journey we took together and the path that LeRoy has led us on.
When time allows I shall share more of this trip. There are still so many things I have not been able to share with anyone but Tiffany. There is one constant in my story, she was by my side every step of the way...
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