Fighting Guilt...Prefer Spock aka "How to ignore your gut instints"

Recently I posted a trip report for my first caving experience, the ability it had to give me a moment of happiness. After writing the report I learned what it meant to fight guilty feelings. Reading, and sharing the experience in way of a trip report caused me to think of things that I am trying hard to lay to rest. I felt like maybe I should crawl back into my hole, but instead I decided to crawl back into another cave.

When I first was put into contact with Terry, and first invited to Reed Cave, I knew just by the description that it was out of my experience level. However, the knowledge that only about 8 people had ever even been in this cave appealed to the inner Captain Kirk, although I am secretly in love with Spock, to go into a world uncharted was impossible to turn down. Here is the first two times I ignored my gut. I had decided that my gut was just preying on my fears. Fears I am learning are not reasonable to have, fears that are fun to give the bird to. The first description of this cave was as follows...

"We have a trip that while it will seem daunting in is not really that difficult, Cave starts as a 60ft drop, then a ear dip then some (stoop)walking, room, walking , room, crawl, 20ft climb down to first stream, them stream passages, stoop, float, walk to the two sumps, one upstream one downstream, ~400m from entrance. One will get completely wet, and muddy. "

All I actually read was "60 ft drop...blah blah blah your gonna fall", but the more we talked about it the more confident I became in my lack of skills. After all, some aspects of being new in a sport mean the fear of the unknowns helps to keep me focused on my every move. Reality is though I should have listened to my gut but I am very happy I did not. This translates to do as I say, not as I do.

I arrive to the meeting spot a bit early because I knew I had to get into my wetsuit and since I was meeting lots of new people I was not quite comfortable getting naked in front of them. This of course changed after the trip and when I was out I had no problems just getting out of the wetsuit but more on that later. When Terry arrived I started receiving a history lesson on the cave and its discovery as well as why its been over 15 years since anyone has got to go down to it. I find out more on "our" mission while waiting for the landowner to arrive (I put our in quotes because the reality is I did nothing to help the mission but was just an observer) the task at hand is to map out the cave better, as well as let the divers check out the sumps (new word, this means I think water passage, at least from what I understand and what I saw). Once Bob arrives he tells us all a bit about himself and how he came to sell the ranch that the cave was on and why 15 years later he bought it back. This is where I felt this immense amount of respect for what we were about to do. To hear his condensed version of his life in regards to the life of this cave was astounding. That is not my story to tell, although if you ever get to meet Bob, I hope he graces you with his spirit and gives you a glimpse into just what caving means to him.

By this point we are brought over to look at the entrance of Reed Cave. Here was the first "Gut says back out" of the day. The entrance is a hole, this tiny little baby hole that supposedly leads 60 feet straight down with nothing but air in-between. Although my gut, and my mouth says "No friggen way" my body is bouncing in delight. Whats the worst that can happen right? I mean, I am a rock climber, and forever ago I was a firefighter, I can do this. BOUNCE BOUNCE BOUNCE....LETS GO. Back at "base" everyone but me is switched into their mode. Some are getting geared up, some are transferring things from here to there...lots of talking , most of which I have no idea what it meant. Then Terry comes over with his vertical cave gear, since this is my second caving experience I of course do not have nor know how to actually use it. Ive read about the system already and I understand its concept. Once it is shown to me I copy it and gear up. Yea not comfortable at all, it feels much like a skydiving rig but without the rig, just the webbing. However I get it right and I get a lesson in how to rappel using this gear and we all head over to the entrance.

I was not scared while waiting in line, I was not scared watching people get on the rope and disappear below the earth, and I was not scared when I myself hooked on and started backing up. I became a bit scared when I broke the surface and I realized I could not see anyone else. I knew I had a belay some 60 feet below, I knew that there were people above me waiting for me to be off the rope and I knew that I needed to start descending but this fear just told me to open my eyes. Wait, they are open...NO OPEN YOUR EYES. This meant I must close them, breathe, and try again. So there I was, hanging on a rope, a few feet below the ground, but 60 feet above my destination and I really open my eyes. To try to even describe this is impossible but I will try, I opened my eyes and the only thing I saw was this amazing piece of art work the earth made just for me. That's right, this was all just for me, I felt chocked up and all I could say was "Wow" as I look at this amazing waterfall made entirely of rock, and coated with beautiful small white crystals...I think I said the same thing over and over again before I got snapped into reality. I still was close enough to the surface that the people there could hear me talking to myself and someone laughed and I heard them explain to each other how awesome it is to hear the reactions of new cavers. I apologize for going slow and did so many times. I was in sheer shock at the beauty that was that moment. Slowly repelling down, feeling the air get warmer, tasting the muck that is in the air, and looking at the force of nature and what some water can do to some rock took me to a place I have not been since my first skydive. Pure amazement. To witness this, to feel so in-tune with something so foreign is something to revel in.

I finally got to the bottom. I loved yelling "Off rope" i felt pride, not because what I did was physically hard, or demanding, but because I told my gut to suck it up and get over it, and here I was, 60 feet below the surface. Screw you responsible Marie. My white waterfall followed me down, but now I have a chance to take a picture of it. I was elated, and unable to actually say much more then expressions of such.

One reason I was not going to write the trip report was that I was unsure if I could do this cave justice. I have no clue what order everything happened in, I do not know the names of the specific formations we saw, heck I do not even know what kinda bats it was that I saw or the names of the eyeless spiders I found were but what I do know is that even if I never get invited on another cave trip that I got to experience this and although I am battered and bruised right now and barely able to type as fast as my brain thinks the words, that I experienced some of the most beautiful events in history. I crawled through natures fury, I scaled natures step ladders, crossed and ducked under natural bridges. I will try to attempt to give a idea of the time line but doubt its correct.

The first thing we did was duck under a gap in the wall, we had to crawl about a 3 foot dip and it opened up into a slight passage, others were crawling but I was on my belly (Height is not a bonus in caving so far) I was following Ellie and you would think she was a marathon caver. I could not keep up and we were only moving for a few minutes. I hear someone comment on the smell of our first water passage, someone said that it must be "Bubble and Squeak" and that is exactly what it did, you step down and sink into a few feet of mud and it bubbles and squeaks, and it smells of decayed cedar with a hint of moldy spider corpses (Im exaggerating, I have no idea what spider corpses smell like) this water was nasty, and heres where I get the joy of a ear dip. Funny thing is, I had no idea what was meant when it was called an ear dip, what it means, is that the space between the water surface and the ceiling of the rock makes it to where you have to dip your ear in the water to pass. The only reason I did not chicken out was because I was trying to keep up with Ellie, however the butt in front of me wasn't Ellie's anymore. Crap, I am being LAPPED?

Then I start hearing that we should be at the "Wagon Wheel" a few are trying to figure out if its a rock in the shape of a wheel or what. The reality of it is that it was almost a spiral staircase with a bridge that shoots out and allows you to either spiral down or cheat and hop over the bridge, at least that is what the rocks tell me. There so happens to be a rusty wagon wheel halfway down the spiral passage and so we are aware we are on the right track. We get to this supposed room that leads to the sump and this is when I realize Ellie is behind me and its Aimees butt I am following. I hear that we are at some pancake part and it was not until I actually got my body in it that I realized that I am a dumb ass. I am scared of confined spaces. This is literally me pancaked in-between rocks that are underground, I am fully aware that Texas has dangerous flash floods and I am surrounded by water before and after the pancake. Somehow now Dale is behind me, I am struggling to get through this, emotionally and physically. Since donating the kidney I have gotten lazy, I am out of shape, I am breathing way to hard and I am way to scared and then I realize that there is a way to become to afraid of something and that was about the moment I hear Aimee's reaction to our next move. I hear her say "This is so beautiful, I can't believe it"...then she says "Theres no way we can get down there"...what? Down? Huh? I try to listen in as James states he is going to spot her and explains where she needs to put what. Im still pancaked in, I am on the verge of backing out at this point. My gut is yelling at me to get the hell out of there before you die. Aimee disappears and I move forward as if to tell my gut it is not welcomed on this trip. Then I see it. I see this outline of a hole, basically the pancakes colon. Its literally a lip, peering over the lip is a good 20 to 30 feet of nothing...one has to stick their head down in the colon just to see a potential grip. I did NOT sign up for this. There are no safety lines, there is no easy way for this group to get my corpse out of the pancake so I decide I can not just stay and rot and I am not ready to back out and have to endure the pancake again.

One thing Ill state is that I am sure the group realized I was nervous, but I am a professional actress, and therefore, the debilitating fear I was feeling was masked more as just slight nerves and so they were unaware that the reality of my emotional state was that of which I am describing. Hell some of them I only advertised I work in production so they , not knowing me, were unable to read exactly what I was feeling based on my brief comments and facial expressions. Now back to thinking I am going to die...I felt the need to keep going because I could hear the conversations that were being passed on to the others behind me, and one thing I like to make sure about is that I do not take away from others experience and enjoyment so I just go for it. I twist my body around and get both my legs inside the colon, and somehow find a way to traverse down the pit of despair. I have James there to help spot and describe which way I need to move and I make it. I join Aimee and I can not do anything but feel extensive pride over what I just did. At this point Dale is already down (as if it was nothing but a hop down) and our sub-group decides that I get to go through the water passage first. I can not thank James enough for offering that to me. He is here to dive, he wants to dive the sump first, discover where it may go, and here he is, offering me the first walk through of the water passage so I can see it un-tainted. First we enjoy looking at the salamanders in the water. They are rather cute and then we are off, at times the water was up to my knees, and at the next room I give my spot up so others can experience the clear blue waters of Reed.

I found moving through the water difficult until I realized I could just float and use my hands to guide me. Thank you Ellie, the tip helped save energy. We travel through several water passages...sometimes we had to swim through them. The whole time I am just amazed. The whole time, Id walk around not realizing that heaven is actually below us. We get to a spot where to our left is the upstream sump and we wade downstream a bit more to the room where we will wait for the rest of the group. Its James, Me, Ellie, Aimee, Vivian and Dale. We hop on the rock and talk, Dale has me turn my light off and we talk while a few wonder past the rock. Its really weird to have a conversation in pitch black, it feels like you are misbehaving. I even would find myself trying to breathe silent. As if the sound of me breathing was polluting the moment. It was enchanting to relax in fire and brimstone, although this is not the depths of hell, this is my new heaven. My beef jerky actually stayed dry and we pass it around when Jeanette gets there and while the divers set to work.

Due to my extensive heavy breathing I was starting to react to the bad air and headed back with some of the group. I actually do not remember to much. I had a fall at one point when the rock I stepped on was actually mud, I think Vivian was the one who helped me get stable from that. I took some time to catch my breath as some surveyed. When Jean stated she was going up I jumped on that band wagon and decided that I was no longer able to stay in paradise but that I needed fresh air, and more water.

Let me go on record as saying that ascending 60 feet is the hardest physical thing I have ever done. I took way to long, I cried out way to much. How the hell is one able to learn to literally stand in the air? Seriously it sucked. Once at the top I was hurting from the fall, and the cuts and the headache that engulfed me and although Terry had already explained that once I got to the top and was able to use the rocks or the rope but not both I could not quite commit to just one and so it seemed to take forever. I made it though, I was out...I was at my car, and regardless of who was around I stripped off my cave clothes because all that mattered at that moment was getting dry and warm. Sorry for those subjected to my naked ass, thats okay though, I could pick out several of yours in a line up I spent so much time behind them. So there you have it...my second caving adventure. I am so glad that my gut lies sometimes.

Disclaimer * To show just how off my memory is , I received a correction Geoff I was first down to the start of the stream and spotted Aimee down, then handed me off to James. We sat in the dark and chatted., dale came along a bit later.

Photographer Geoff Hoese took these incredible photos and is allowing me to share them in the blog. He reserves all rights to them and if you wish to use them contact me and I will forwarded you to him.