5 years later...lessons learned...a life worth living

Over the past five years the death of my friend Shannon has become easier to digest, yes I still had moments, but I was and am grateful I had her in my life because there were so many changes that resulted in knowing her. The past month has been one of the most demanding times for me, although I hide it because well I have gotten good at "pretending", and I have gotten good at fixing everything without ever being a burden to anyone by "needing" to talk it out. Its no ones business if I cry out in the night, or if I am facing a fork in the road and to defeated to pick with side to follow. After all, the two that I would have confided wholeheartedly in are gone forever, and they both are because of the same exact reason, B.A.S.E.

Over the years I have learned some great lessons from her life and her death. One of them being how I handle my friendships. I often wonder if Shannon knew just how much she impacted the skydiving community, and those of us she called friend. If I knew our last conversation was indeed our last, it would have gone differently. I know we meant so much to her, but I always wonder if she knew how much she meant to us. Since then I fully disclosed my feelings. People knew what I felt, why I appreciated them and why I am grateful they are in my life. Even if "life" got in the way and we did not talk daily...they were reminded periodically. Slowly that list of people dwindled to just a few due to the deaths of others in the Skydiving and BASE community and over time I realized theres almost no one left, no one left that knew the me before. No one really left to confide in, or should I say no one that makes me feel safe enough to confide in.

Our last conversation is one I do not often ever talk about and even thinking about it hurts. It was after I saw her in Dublin and just a few days before her trip that ultimately was her last. She was lecturing me on all the reasons I do not want to become a BASE jumper, trying to talk me out of considering it. She knew that LeRoy was going to be taking me and she was doing everything in her power to convince me that I would be a idiot to take it up at that point in my life. 5 years ago I was very sick, and it was a stupid thing to want, but I was stubborn. So she made me a deal, if I waited until I got a proper mentor and I was wanting BASE for the right reasons, when it came time for my A she would bring me to her favorite one. She was running late and needed to get packed for her birthday trip and so the last thing I heard her say was that she sent me 3 bottles of wine. The wine arrived after the news broke and enclosed was a short simple note on when I was to drink that wine...they all involved her in some way, either on the phone at 2 certain days that were important in regards to healing and the last was to be shared in person at a 3rd important date that seemed so far away at the time. The wine is gone now but not the memories. To think, the only gift I ever sent her was because she did not think I would...wonder what ever happened to that "Dolphin"

So thats my lesson, tell people how you feel before its to late. Nothing sucks more then wishing you had one more conversation.