Finding B.A.S.E. 1092 ...Revisited

Most everyone I know, either was involved with in some way the search and recovery of LeRoy last year in Delta Utah, either they read about it on here because they are my friends and or family...or they are in the skydiving community and watched it blow by blow. All the horrid events, and the incredibly sad outcome. If you are not aware then read the earlier posts to get up to speed or some of this may not make much sense.

Yesterday was the year mark for LeRoys death, although it took some time to find his body and did not happen until both Tiffany and I arrived in Utah to join the search parties (Although we were not the ones to find him). I wear my heart on my sleeve, I am not scared to show and admit my fears, my loves, and my faults. I think it is those reasons on why I have not handled the deaths of those I choose to be my family very well. When I lived in GA and was still closer to a Wuffo (Someone who says "Wuffo you jump out of them planes?") after an incredible day in which Lee and Beezy (both who are now no longer with us) took me on 3 incredible jumps (including my first fruit loop) about a dozen of us went to a local restaurant. I was sitting next to Chaos Kitty and the conversation got to death in the sport. I had yet to experience this aspect of it. Id felt the friendship, the love, the sense of belonging...all the good things, but not the death. Chaos looked at me and said "Stay in the sport long enough and you will lose someone, it is not a question of if...but when". I believed her of course, and it made me sad to look around the table and realize it could be anyone of us. However I did not fully understand it until we lost Shannon. It was a downward spiral for me as my list of friends turned into a list of people I will never see again. I go back and read my skydiving log book and am very grateful that I have signatures from those now gone.

The year was tough, I had seen and experienced things during the search for my best friend and the recovery of his remains that I would not wish on anyone. I identified his body, I cut the closing pins off the parachute he did not deploy in time (or at all). I became an emotionally detached from most everything and anything. Sure I walked around with a smile, I laughed and showed joy for others and tried to "be there" but in all honesty I could care less about much of anything but remembering to breathe. First I decided I would pretend it was a dream. So much so that I refused to talk about him, unless it was a bad day and then it was mostly only to Tiffany. She understands what I went through because she was there the entire time. Then and even now I still have a high level of anger at his complete lack of judgement that day he decided to make the jump. For years people got onto him about that, his poor risk management, for years people would try to tell him he was a fatality waiting to happen with his "Hot shot" style of BASE. Although as his jump numbers went up, he was improving. As we supported each other through friends deaths in the sports, and as he settled down with Tiff, he started to calm down and make better choices. Notch Peak was a stupid choice and I know he knew that. Everything went wrong that day. He left his friend when they got separated, and he jumped the wrong wall and multiple other mistakes and yet he still jumped. Notch Peak was his US Mecca. His 400th Jump. His 1st wingsuit BASE. Anger may never go away. Im not sure if I am even trying to make it go away.

So back to yesterday. Woke up, was a bit breathless but okay. Post a facebook status, message LeRoy's facebook page, and then go to call him. I broke down, I had finally a few weeks ago deleted his phone number, along with Shannon's from my phone. I then started watching the song LeRoy wrote and sang for me years ago. Not once, not twice, but on loop for 30 mins just crying. I dug out the pack that I used on the search and pulled out his closing pins. The little pins that would have saved his life. I read the article of the search, that showed his car parked at the base of the mountain, the same place me and Tiffany parked when we went to look for him, and then I thought about the hug Stitch had given me the morning we saw each other before heading to look. I thought about Tiffany laughing so hard she was crying when we pulled away from the Police Officer who I stated "I thought it was a suggestion" when asked if I knew what the speed limit had been, and yet received no ticket. I thought about Les, our hero, and the way he rushed to me when we came off that mountain and held me while I collapsed in pain and grief. The hour drive back from the mountain I tried to be strong for Tiffany, for those that would need me, but with Les I could just cry. I thought about my friends in the film industry who upon learning of the recovery of LeRoys body, arranged to have a friend fly out to drive me back. I thought about the friends of mine who sent Tiffany money to help out with expenses even though they did not know her but because they cared for me and because they knew I worried for her and Jayden. I though about all the the good things and decided that on the one year, no more tears, but instead to stay busy and deal with it today.

I made the right choice. I am better equipped today. However, yesterday, while staying busy I made my first wood project (platform bed) pulled up the carpet, cleaned and painted the walls and then at 230 am...the day after LeRoys one year, I went to bed, and knew that today would be a good day. I hope he watches over all those who love him, I hope I will forever remember all the good that was in my life over those years because of him and I hope I never am so angry at his death that I lose sight of the fact that I am alive and grateful everyday that my stupid things of my youth did not get me before my wisdom showed up (what little I have) arrived. Thank you LeRoy, Shannon, Skinnyshrek, Beezy, Duece, and Tonto for being those people that created such an impression on my heart that I still to this day read emails, or my logbook, just to feel some sort of connection to the past life. The life when I did not look to the sky and think about Ash Dives, but I looked to the sky because there is where we spent some of my most awesome moments that I carry with me daily.