BASE 1092 ... Closure...WARNING may be graphic

Identifying a persons body is never something I had wanted to do in my life. Identifying my best friends body is something that still haunts me to this day. Especially since I came across the backpack that me and Tiffany used while searching for him all those years ago. I see the backpack often, seeing it was not what has me on a "LeRoy Day", it was what I found in one of the pockets...it also has me feeling for the first time ever, the need to talk about that moment in my life. If you are family of LeRoy, I advise you not to read this as it could be upsetting.

When I went with the coroner to see LeRoy for the last time he was still in his gear as they had just finished examining it on him to help determine if he pulled his parachute or not. I have not talked with anyone about the actual viewing of him except for my hero Les and I only touched on it with his other best friend Michael. LeRoy had been on that mountain decomposing for awhile before they were able to locate him. Since they found him from a helicopter and it was approaching night they made the choice to take pictures and then bag him for the evening and made plans to retrieve his body the next morning. Later that night I was shown the pictures and that was what sparked a long time sadness that even still will hit me out of no where.

Once they got him out I remember sitting with his Mom and Girlfriend talking about arrangements and the coroner on the phone with the Military. They were demanding an actual identification since they had him listed as AWOL. The walk down that hallway was the longest of my life. First stop was a room to clean up, and put something on the upper lip that was to help with the smell. I am pretty sure it didn't work though. Delta is a small town, his body was being stored in what I would call a garage with two body freezers. The Coroner looked at me with a hand on the freezer and told me "Its pretty bad, are you sure you will be okay?". I had already detached, or at least thought I had so I stated that I was ready and that he would do it for me if I were the one in the freezer. The first thing that hit me when the door was pulled open was the smell. Anyone who has ever smelled a decomposing human knows the smell and its almost not able to be described. It is this weird, sweet yet rancid smell that is unique due to our bodies and the way we decompose. It is awful, and seared into my memory.

We will go back to that in a minute, once he was pulled out and unzipped it saddened me that he had not been in the freezer long enough as some of the liquid seeped out and although not warm, his body was not as cold as television makes you think a dead body is. Looking at him it was not obvious that this was my best friend. I was not prepared for that, even though I knew he died jumping off a cliff. I knew he hit so hard that his helmet was knocked off his head and yet I still thought my kind friends face would be peering at me ... and although lifeless, he would give me comfort in this moment. Instead an alien was there. Darkened due to the elements and not solid, I felt an immense confusion. Touching him to look for his tattoo was the most out of body experience I have ever had. I made the identification and as the Coroner started zipping him back up I stopped him and asked for scissors to cut the closing pins off his gear. I wrapped them in a plastic bag and held on to them as if my life depended on it.

When we got back to the hotel I showered and changed and yet I still smelled LeRoys body. I threw away my shoes and clothing I had worn and yet I still smelled him. It was haunting and terrifying. I smelled him in my car, I smelled him everywhere. Even after bleaching the closing pins I still smelled him everywhere. For the first six months after it was what dominated my sense of smell. I lost weight, and I walked around in a haze. Now even still I will smell it occasionally and Ill wonder if there is a dead body near me. Today as I was going through the pockets of the backpack I opened that one, the one I hadn't opened since I took the closing pins out and I smelled it. Strong, sweet and rancid ...and then time stood still again and I for the first time since his death flashed back on the good times. I think the anger is leaving my heart. I think I can finally forgive him for dying, for the letter he left me and for the hurt he caused. I miss him and I love him and I forgive him.