Are you kidding me?

That was the line of the night on my first caving trip..."Are you kidding me?". I am a skydiver, SCUBA diver, and a rock climber and yet I found a new sport to scare the crap out of me as well as make me feel the rush that so often gives me a new light on this thing called life. Since LeRoy died and the events that took place during the search and recovery I have turned into a recluse. To spend time with my best friends 10 day dead body had stripped me of many passions. I had lost the ability to wear my heart on my sleeve, I found myself doing everything I could to avoid people, old friends, and in no way was I comfortable making new ones so just signing up for the beginning course in itself was a feat.

For years now my friend Tim Stich had, on occasion tried to encourage me to try caving. He had in the past hooked me up with my Rock Climbing mentor Tommy. I have a fear of confined spaces. Not debilitating, but enough to make it take years to sign up for the trip. Finally on a whim I looked at the UT Grotto calender and emailed Heather to sign up for the trip. I was determined not to cancel or find an excuse to not follow through and so the plan was set in motion, I will be going in a cave.

I was running late, thanks to wonderful traffic on mopac and the fact that with the crappy weather everyone here in Austin turns into even crappier drivers. I was worried and somewhat elated thinking they may leave without me and Id be able to tell myself it wasn't meant to be. I pulled up under the bridge and there stood 9 others still gearing up..."Are you kidding me?" dammit. I get out and of course, typical me acts as if nothing is wrong and I joke and make comments on the weather. The leads are promising us that the temps will be nice inside and that is enough right there to encourage me not to back out. It didn't hurt that there were enough leads there that if I was not able to move forward then one would bring me out.

One of the first things I notice is that everyone is really nice, they have the same feeling as the Skydiving and Rock Climbing community. That puts me at ease. I opted to not bring a bag and so I pawned my water off on Eric and we all start walking to the entrance. We get to the marker and they go over the cave layout and lead us to the hatch. You know the hatch in Lost? Yea that is what this was... Didn't work so well for the cast of Lost and so of course I wonder if my fate will be the same. Then Shayne opens the hatch and it goes straight down about 10 feet "Are you kidding me?".

Once inside we get a briefing of cave rules, typical nature rules.
1. Take nothing but pictures.
2. Leave nothing but footprints
3. Say clear (This means its safe for the person behind you to go)
4. Leave the cave critters alone

Shayne also goes over the history of the cave, some common ways of navigation in a cave and then he says "You can put your jackets in this bag and I am going to lock the hatch" ..."Are you kidding me?" yes we got locked in. There are ten of us, Shayne will lead, Carol will be in the middle and Kristina in the back. Diego has enough gear to help us all survive for a month so were set there. One of the first things I learned is that being 6' is not an advantage in all sports, and I learned this by going down the corkscrew...I knew I was flexible but this was a bit much. So far though I was without fear, I was more focused on looking for the next grip or looking for the light behind me.

We travel through a series of passages and small rooms and then we get to the Travis County room. Here we stop for a rest, some water, and some more education. A few of the smaller people decide to go into this small room in the room, I opted out. During this time they told us to find a comfortable spot and we were going to all turn our lights off. This was surreal. Talk about dark. We sit like that for about 5 minutes and it was the epitome of peace. I felt like I was going to fall asleep. There was slight talk, and then the thought of the first people who would explore caves, or the ones who got lost, that this was what they went through, and some probably died this way and I thought "Hmmm this would be a peaceful death, youd go crazy first and being crazy makes everything easier". We are given the option to go to the Birth Canal and we all vote to go.

This is where things became uncomfortable. I was moving slower then the person in front of me and therefore I had nothing in front of me at all but the light that was cast by my own headlamp. I kept calling ahead but sound was not carrying, the people behind me were stating "There is no one in front of Lisamarie" and I figure they were not to thrilled with the prospect of me alone in the front. Finally I heard Carol and started moving faster so I could get to them. I kept asking "Is this the birth canal" they kept saying no...We had already learned how to go through it and I decided that Id do it on my back when the time came. Entering it was extremely hard for me mentally. I had to turn my head to the side to get it in (That's what he said) and I started getting pretty scared and "Are you kidding me?". It is a short passage and when I was almost through I thought I got stuck and I started spazzing out...then I realized I was holding my breath, relaxed myself and gave it one final pull and I was in the Ant Lion Room...The gratification of getting through the birth canal was amazing. I was rather proud of myself but a bit shaken. Erik came through and high fived me, then Shelley and another high five. We are an awesome beginning caving class...Total gratification. I do not want to stop I want to keep going deeper in the cave, but alas we had to turn back.

We got back to the Travis County Room and Shayne wanted to show us the sunrise...So we all turned our lights out and he went to the entrance, it really looked like a time lapsed sunrise, and so I asked for him to do it again...5 times later we wanted another black out , but this time we had Diego put on the music. So there we are , in total black, listening to Pink Floyd. I swear the cave is more comfortable then my recliner. Im feeling rather happy which is often not easy for me in a group of people. When we were listening to the music in the dark I thought of LeRoy, how much I miss him, how much anger I have still in regards to the events surrounding his death and for the first time I did not cry or feel like I could not breathe. I miss him daily, I am okay with that, but the days where I go right back to that morgue and the sights and smells, those are the ones I want to go away. Maybe getting myself out there in the world will help me with that? I am signed up for the next class, because life is for the living and I can not hide forever.